WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING A COLD IF YOUR ON DEMAND DOESN'T WORK AND YOU CAN'T WATCH FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS AND MOVIES ALL DAY. FUCK ME.

i slept through/watched all five hours of the top 100 songs of the 90s, watched lost in translation, and browsed a two hour special on kids at fat camp. fat camp doesn't seem so bad and the thing i was watching kind of made me want to go. i never got to go to sleepaway camp.

it sucks that when i was born the only people that had cell phones were yuppies and stock brokers, and now everyone feels as though they need to have one. as in it's not safe to not have a cell phone on you at all times. i really wish it wasn't that way. as a matter of fact, if i could walk out of my house without my phone and not feel panicky and completely vunerable in the worst possible way to everything around me i would.
and don't even get me started on how texting is ruining people's ability to speak to one another.

what if we just end up silent? only speaking to one another through technology and never looking into each others eyes and forgetting how to speak all together.

anyways.

(little man being erased)

i'm working on this new piece right now. it's a collage thing on this channukah card envelope that i cut/ripped open. it basically has no meaning, i'm just creating it because i like the way it looks. since i started it last night, i'm seeing everything in my house as material for it. i look and wonder how i could manage to glue it on or cut it up or bend it and use it for what i'm making. also, i'm taking my time. usually when i'm making something i just do it all in one sitting. i pull these crazy all nighters because i'm afraid my level of inspiration and focus won't be there if i walk away from it. i'm totally going at a really steady, healthy pace with it though. i work on it for a while, make however much process on it i feel like depending on how into it i am at the time and then just let it go. as in just stop whenever i'm sick of working on it. and i'm not worrying about themes or meanings or metaphors or anything, it's all just about the aesthetics. so basically i'm just making this thing because i like it it and feel like making something. which is incredibly refreshing.

the next time you're stressed, just get high, sit in your room, put on your favorite music and make something. fabulous fabulous stuff, i must say.

i would also suggest a playlist including plenty of radiohead.

so much honey

HURLEY BURLEY. FLIPPED UPSIDE THE FUCK DOWN.


don't you hate it when timing is off?

all the funny things that animals do

i haven't been this in love since jimmy fallon.





i realize i'm not 14 and have no right to be posting pictures of guys i think are hot on my blog
but fuck that.

framed like a picture

my titles to these things never make any sense, please completely disregard them.

what's really weird/good about life is how you can find realizations about yourself in the most unlikely of situations. i'm not saying i'm not a complete wreck by any means. i totally am.
but this time whatever's happening inside me and my head and my heart isn't ruling over every aspect of my life. i'm keeping it together. like, actually behaving somewhat like an adult and taking things one day at a time and making sure to take care of myself. i don't cry a lot and i've built up a thicker skin.
i'll always be a neurotic female, it's in my veins and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love that i feel a lot and i love that as a result of that i get to have moments where everything feels good and i'm completely full of life and love and everything else that's good.
but somehow i've started to learn how to keep things in check and it's really positive for me.

as far as friendships go
i just prefer these certain three people to anyone else in the world right now. they're friends with the current me, and the current me can't (or doesn't want to) deal with anyone else.
point being i love it when these three are mean to me and i love it when they're nice to me and the beauty of it is that none of it means anything at all.
there couldn't be three more perfect people for me right now.

a concept: everything is far from perfect but i guess that means that everything kind of is how it's supposed to be for my life. which means everything kind of is perfect, even if that's not what i imagined perfect to be.

what i'm trying to get at is sometimes it's good to say to yourself "i'm fucked up, but at least i'm not THAT fucked up."
comparison is a useful tool.

purify the colors
purify
my
mind

compose yourself

there's nothing like a good book, man! seriously. i mean that.



who wants to go dog sledding?

pale green things pale green things

i'm having the hardest fucking time right now.
what a terrible break.


i chose a different form of self medication when i got home last night:



watching actual movies when i'm upset just doesn't work. hopefully today i'll watch the first wives club.

the exorcism of anything shitty

it's so crazy to me how just being around certain people can make the outside world just vanish. i felt really safe tonight, certain people are like shields, you know?

a list of things that will rock about thanksgiving break:
party party party love love love
waking up in my bed (extremely late) and then lying there with my ipod for a really long time while doing great morning stretches
thanksgiving food



things are crazy but i feel really peaceful. and i know it's a temporary peace. but that's SO much better than no peace at all.

sean paul

i figure at some point i have to actually start taking care of myself.
as in don't do things that i know are bad for my general state of well being.


so i guess i want to start doing that today.

feeling green like teenage lovers between the sheets

recycled air is what summer sounded like this year.
it really was the most beautiful (and i mean that in respects to everyone and everything) summer i've ever had in my life.
everything was green and everyone was soft.

today i was waiting for my advisor and i started thinking of everything i am afraid of. it's a long list.

1. racoons/possums/SKUNKS/really large rats
2. natural disasters
3. fatal uncurable diseases
4. heights
5. being alone
6. falling
7. failing/humilation
8. geese
9. death of loved ones
10. the idea of getting hit by a car
11. group think
12. anything in real life that pretty much is straight out of 1984
13. vomiting
14. some bugs
15. lots of people
16. strangers
17. growing up
18. guns


and those were only a few.

i really want to just constantly be sending out good vibes in the direction of everyone i love that's off at college on far coasts and different planets and stuff (you all know who you are).
everyone is having such an extremely different and intense experience. i just want to like, send my love to all of you. if you were with me i would just like, hug you or do something much more real to try and show you how much i want to like, kill whatever's ailing you and how much i love you. but i guess all i can do right now is send it.
my love is shooting out to:
colorado
milwaukee
urbana
the east coast
the west coast
mars
canada
everywhere people i love are

circle circle dot dot mothafucka

IT'S TIME FOR HIGH BLOGGGGGGGING


that scene in the wizard of oz when the tornado is happening and dorthy can't get into the cellar- that shit is beyond terrifying. the possibility of natural disasters is such a huge fear of mine. i'm really scared that i won't be able to run fast enough, or i'll be sacrificed for the good of the whole or something. scary scary scary.

i love really moving movies, even if they are total chick flicks. my favorite thing in art is when like, a line is spoken or sung or a note is played or you look at a painting and it's something that's been in your head or come out of your mouth or something you've felt EXACTLY.

HERE IS WHERE YOU ARE


how do you go about a booty call. what is that.
the words "come over" at 1:20 in the morning don't really suggest anything but "i need someone to make out with me right now or i'll explode"
but i kind of wish they suggested "i just want company" so even if it is "TOUCH ME" (which it always is) the whole seduction process is a little more fun and if you get denied or don't have the balls it won't be awkward because you just wanted to hang out.
ABUHHH.


someone take a picture of me right now at this very moment!
CAPTURE IT!

bowerbirds

I’m still listening to that song. Listening to it after a really emotionally intense/confusing dream during your Sunday afternoon nap probably isn’t the best idea, for those of you who are wondering.

The entire dream is a blur, but it’s been the most real and intense yet. I’m not going to try to put together a plot or anything, that would mess it all up. Here’s a list of random images/main points from it.

(forgive me, seriously. I’m becoming obsessed with my dreams, I always have to write them down.)

(some names have been changed.)

1. I needed to get on a plane to Israel. I can’t tell whether or not I was choosing to go there or being shipped off. The entire dream was my journey to try and PACK (packing seemed like an impossible task) and get on the plane in time.
2. At some point, I was in my parent’s room. My mom had all the papers, printed out from the internet, containing the information about my flight. She reassured me that my flight didn’t leave until early in the morning and that I had a lot of time.
3. I was in what seemed like my Grandmothers apartment- I’m in there A LOT in my dreams. It always takes some kind of a different form, but it’s always hers. The door to her bedroom was made of glass, I could see right through it. I don’t know who I was with, but I was freaking out about having to leave and an ex-boyfriend’s family (not the ex-boyfriend himself) were sitting in her living room. His mother came to the door and demanded that I buy them more string cheese, since apparently I had eaten all of theirs. I told her I would, and she continued to berate me. I went back into the room, moments later the entire was at the door wearing pathetic Halloween costumes, and trick or treating for string cheese. I got incredibly upset that they wouldn’t leave me alone and ran out of the apartment, on a quest to buy them more string cheese, pack and get on that plane to Israel. We (whoever I was with) were then walking down a very bright, city like street.
4. I was at an El stop in north Chicago. I was with Alex and Randy. At some point during the dream I had held Randy’s hand. I leaned over to try and kiss him and just ended up getting the side of his mouth. I then put my hand into Alex’s pocket and held his hand. Then I was in a bathroom making out with George- it was terrible and I kept feeling like I was going to vomit. I kept telling him to go slower with all of his motions, and he ended up getting really upset.
5. I was at another train station, but it was an old one. Some boy from a ska band was there, and there was an entire rack of clothing/shoes/objects of things I’ve lost. Like, the rack of labeled “Kori’s lost things” and I just started grabbing all of them frantically and shoving them into a bag. Before that, the ska boy and I were talking and he was going to Israel too. Everyone was wondering why we were freaking out and we were just like “We could die. It’s a little stressful.”

I don’t know if I made the plane or not. I woke up.

I’m a total wreck right now.


I think I am a wreck because I know that things are only going to get weirder and harder. It’s like I’m about to enter this part of my life that will determine a lot of things, that’s how I feel. But in a way it feels like it’s going to be purgatory, this place where I experiment with drugs and just kind of take everything in.

hymns for a dark horse

i got sent some bowerbirds. wow. wow. what an incredible song. hooves. oh my god.


i'm playing it on repeat like i did with hanson when i was eight.





you're the memory now that lives across the world

don't use the word rape, bobby. it's not polite.

tuna fish and king of the hill and tuna fish and king of the hill and tuna fish.



working for greenpeace seems like the worst possible thing to do at this point! not that i was actually considering it or anything.


i had this moment this weekend where i felt like i was in eternal sunshine. there was a weird green light and my head was ringing and everything was blurry blurry blurred. and it was being deleted while it happened, or that's what it seemed like.

how do you ask someone (politely) to reenter your life?


i don't have my meal plan card, my phone is in another state, i have no clean clothes, and when i say no clean clothes i mean absolutely no clean clothes (unless i want to wear my slutty yellow shirt to class. right, that's what i'll do.) i haven't showered since sunday at 6 in the morning, i look a hot mess.

like yesterday, i wore a wrap around skirt and a large sweater and a loud argentinian scarf and a russian-ish hat and some nightmare before christmas 3-d glasses. i've found the more ridiculously i dress the more confident i am. who gives a fuck if my outfit was mistaken for a haloween costume?
it's like "yeah, i look fucking absurd. and i'm eating a chocolate bar. and i'm high and i'm walking in the middle of city on a fucking freezing night and the wind is blowing my skirt all over the place and my thigh is exposed and this isn't even my hat and these sunglasses are not meant to be worn seriously, especially at night, and i'm getting fat, i look like a bag lady, yeah, FUCK ALL YA'LL."

my humor is poop oriented, aka, "hey, i'll pay you five dollars if you just take a dump on that chick right now."
try to think of something funnier than a cleveland steamer. go ahead. try.

i've been entirely too nostalgic entirely too often.

rock on george, for ringo one time!

regardless of how untolerable things get we must always keep positive and negative lists, am i wrong?

negative:
lots of things, really.
(i want to keep it at that, because i am not sure the positive list would actually be longer than the negative this time around, which is the entire point of the endeavor, am i wrong?)

positive:
stepping outside and getting slapped in the face by the cold is the bees knees, one of my favorite fall/winter sensations by far. who needs coffee when you've got the wind off the lake?
milwaukee was sensational, i love my friends.
the weekends have been sensational in general.
field trips to find human flesh books that totally fail (but not really)
i think i'm going to get "all you need is love" tatooed on my foot as a christmas gift to myself.
i'm doing well in school kind of? grade wise.
meercat manner RULES.
the rainbow i saw the other day
all i've been listening to is justin timberlake and i think that must be good for my soul in some way or another.
halloween
yellow man of custard tripping from a dead dog's eye
i'm pretty much losing my mind (but i refuse to think of that as a negative thing)
mother superior jump the gun
i've really been digging the beatles lately
happiness is a warm yes it is gun
i've been taking better care of my body kind of


currently:
basically my entire beatles collection on shuffle (speaking of words that sound like shuffle, i should invest in some snuffleuffugus memorabilia)
ben folds
van morrison
this one song by the faint, but not really, it just keeps coming up on my ipod shuffle.
justin timberlake, OBVIOUSLY.
it's weird, about a week ago i was all about interesting and challenging sounds, and lately all i want is a man and his piano singing about love and other things.

i want california. eucalyptus air and the redwoods.

yeah i want that. that and some drugs.




all this breathing in, never breathing out

(but then, all is fair)

get up stand up

that's hard when you're really drunk

like me


also stoned







fuckijng A man.

fucking diamond commercials are adorable.

what do i even say? i'm in such a strange place right now.

eric's trip

i find it so strange that thurston moore is opening for bright eyes on this tour.
i guess that means he's down to earth, but i mean come on, i can't help but think it should be the other way around. maybe it just means connor oberst has come into his own. i don't know.

jesus christ.

I get miserable when I can’t sleep. Images of the past and my myriad mistakes keep me from drifting. Part of me probably doesn’t want to go to sleep, part of me probably wants to avoid that moment upon waking when I remember how absolutely shitty it all is. Fear and self loathing in Skokie, Il. And my stomach hurts from drinking and I think I might throw up. But that’s what we do, we drink and we smoke and we dance and then I choke on all my words and wonder how in the hell the ball ended up in his court again. Fucking social lubrication. Some people are afraid of commitment, I am afraid of whatever the opposite of that is. Don’t you just want to shake him and scream YOU CAN’T PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SADNESS WITHOUT PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM HAPPINESS.. hypocrite and opportunist. I just want someone to think of me when they hear that one really beautiful flaming lips song, you know the onethings I hate about relationships part un: one person always has stronger feelings than the other. as oscar would say, I’ve got really heavy boots right now. heavy heavy boots. and I just hope he gets me some flowers or something for my birthday but I know that the chances of that happening are less likely than the chances of my toes spontaneously combusting right this very second. (because I doubt he knows it’s even going to be my birthday. I am FREAKING because I keep getting this feeling that it’s going to be the worst birthday EVER.) I worry that I’ll have a kid just because I want something that will love me forever. That’s like maury povich shit. But I worry that I’ll do it. I’m just very very down. I only blog when I’m drunk, do not take any of this seriously. but you probably should, I don’t call it truth serum for nothing.

all he’s and you’s and they’s are vague and are not directed at anyone basically. unless you know I’m talking about you: then, sir, I am afraid it is you I am referring to.

I pretty much want to go to central and south America right now.

here is my bourgeois secret: I wish I was latin American. like really really badly.
because I find the culture “fascinating”.
I AM THE DEFINITION OF BOURGEOIS.
THAT IS ME. MIDDLE CLASS CLUELESS PRETENTIOUS AND GENERALLY FUCKED.

check the charts

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS


don't waste your nerves and pretty dresses on those who don't deserve them.

this LCD soundsystemsong is infectious. i want it on the soundtrack to my life. when my life is made into a biopic after i die. i want it to play during the late teens to early twenties montage.

but i seriously love it. i listened to it at the park tonight on the swings. then i just started walking and watching these guys play frisbee and felt really awake. that really awake feeling where your gut is kind of trying to tell you that something big is about to happen, but you're not sure because that feeling in your gut could just be the mcchicken sandwich you ate earlier. or it could just be the weed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2V_ZT-nyOs

he's a real nowhere man

this slump has really managed to ruin my week. it's the little things. like when you know the "1 missed call" on your phone is just your dad. and you check. and it really is just your dad. but there was still that little bit of hope that it was someone caring and warm.



i'll say it once, i'll say it ten million times;:''' when i get sick, i honestly believe it's the physical manifestation of my wretched emotional/mental state.








there have been some really amazing summer nights though, let me tell you:

i'm framing that picture and taking it with me to college.

scrape your knee it is only skin

makes the sound of violins

this is why i'm hot, this is why i'm hot: i feel kind of sick and the temperature is a little too warm in my house right now

things that are bad:
how strange my stomach feels right now
i can't sleep because of how strange my stomach feels right now
how much energy yesterday's weed drained me of
my love life
the amount of time that i have before college
lack of mani/pedi
weight gain
it's 7:20 in the morning and i'm half baked
chicken tacos from chilis
endings

things that are good:
ronnie is home
uriel
andy is a really cool dude. raise your hand if you are THIS happpy you're friends with him.
max/alec/aaron/+everyone that i've been ending up with at the end of the night are also cool
erin came with me to this party and we got w-w-w-wasted together. old school bonding, ya'll.
the amount of time that i have before college
it's 7:20 in the morning and i'm half baked
gogol bordello
bonding with the new wilco album. what a mellow classic rock sound;;; "walken" and "impossible germany" are really groovy tunes.
lollapalooza is soon! but i don't even like pearl jam, you know?
apple scrapple bread
snood
sometimes text twist, but not so much anymore.
reading
writing
jewlery making days and your best friend straightening your hair for you
kill bill volume 2
back rubs
this night reminds me of the night i got really sad over that guy i dated sophmore year and stayed up extremely late listening to eisley and wilco and the flaming lips with my boom box directly next to my bed
beginnings
sitting in the grass with anne marie and uriel making clover chains
sitting in megan's backyard on a purple blanket
muffins...FIRE!
dancing to the mariners revenge songs with marian and ronnie, accompanied by orchestra and a large group of children
lists that keep everything in perspective
when i close my eyes and listen to music, especially that one phish song, and that one guitar solo in that phish song and the time in my life that guitar solo reminds me about.
mermaids
baby lemon videos on youtube
talking on the phone with jenna
ys (especially only skin)
my family
sleeping
free art institute thursday. mmhmm.
the really nice feeling i get whenever i update my ipod
i also think it's great when people stay home to read harry potter. i'm not even into harry potter, but i mean really, i think it's lovely that people stay home to read. i can't believe i was reading harry potter in fifth grade and now i'm a freshman in college and the last book is happening and the whole situation with these books just astounds me.







sometimes i get really sad and need to make lists.

just around the river bend; otherwise known as: how i met your mother

i was watching big love tonight and bill was making out with this crazy russian waitress. can you guess what song was playing? none other than the girlfriend remix. lil mama and avril lavigne!

i can't listen to this antony and the johnsons album because the cover freaks me out too much and it shows up on itunes:

how fucking creepy is that, right? antony is a fat guy, which i don't like. i like my indie idols to be scragly, bearded and thin. i plan to date lots of scragly, bearded and thing boys in college. i do not plan to date theatre majors because most of them are gay. they can join the league but they cannot have sex with me. my point is, is, is, that i went straight to the nearest band which was animal collective. this music is good good goodo.

here are the classes i am taking in college: acting voice body movement let's read books and do art projects about them (friendship bracelet city, here i come) latin american history up to 1800. but here's the thing, i'm only taking that class so i can take post 1800, because that shit is interesting as hell. how do i know this? machuga, neruda, the very old man with enormous wings and the book of embraces. plus that story about argentina. i remember the day we were discussing that one in class was the day after diego and i broke up and it felt really strange and wrong to say "my friend's parents were a part of the underground during that revolution..." instead of "my boyfriend's parents..."

not that i'm the kind of girl who announces her relationship status to her world lit class. i'm not. that kind. of person.

banshee beat. the beet is the most intense vegetable of them all. you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip can you? speaking of intense, i saw gogol bordello for the second time sunday night. it was incredible. and by incredible i mean unbelievably incredible. as someone who has been thinking of- no, obsessing over, art and what exactly it is, i must say that gogol bordello is art and eugene hutz is an artist. when they play music, the devil, or god, or both enter the room and everyone's souls start stirring in really unfathomable ways. seeing them live is a very viceral experience. it's beautiful and human, but not in the pathetic way, pathetic is completely the wrong word please ignore my use of it in this context, but the way i think my mail man is beautiful and human or the way i think stamp collections are beautiful and human. gogol bordello is like extreme spirits and voices and emotions and fuel and poetry and motion and energy and sweat and rawness human and beautiful. people think i'm joking around when i say that it's necessary to see them live at least once before you kick the old bucket and everything but i'm not. maybe what i mean is that it's necessary to feel that alive at least once. is it stupid that gypsy punk music and a silly man with a mustache mean this much to me? gogol bordello is what life/art (interchangable) should be, i think.

tickatickaticka.

dear galeano:

i can't sleep. there is a boy under my eyelids.

also, fuck you for so perfectly putting the way i am about lust and love into words. i think in terms of eyelids now.

love,

koray

the thing that i say about my favorite painting to impress people is a quote from an episode of boy meets world

it's when your ex-boyfriends parents find your livejournal that you begin to reconsider this whole internet thing. i'm too attracted to people reading these things to completely give it up, i guess. xanga was one thing, livejournal was another. this time i won't use full names, i promise.

when i'm going through something difficult my dreams tend to get more intense. this time around is no exception. in fact, my dreams have gotten worse and more realistic than ever. dream one was about control, or the way i feel i have a lack of it, maybe. i had just given birth to two babies. one of them was an actual baby, all small and pale and wrapped in a bright pink blanket. someone in the dream, it was either clay or laura, named it "precious". the second baby wasn't a baby, but rather a two year old boy that i couldn't get to settle down. the next thing i knew i lost the infant. it didn't die or anything, i literally just couldn't find it. i ran around the hospital looking for it, not telling people what i was looking for and denying that i had lost it for fear of them thinking i was/calling me a bad mother. i remember thinking that i had to leave, that there was somewhere i had to be, and that the fact that i had to spend all this time finding the baby was going to make me late. the hospital itself went back and forth; about half the time it was big and sanitary and white and made of tiles and fluorecent lights; the other half it wasn't a hospital at all, it was that stretch of residential area we walked through from alec's house to burger king during parties. but i still thought it was a hospital.

locations in dreams are weird things, right?

that's all i remember of the actual dream. the morning after i was thinking about my period and realized that there was a chance that i was late, seeing as i couldn't remember when i had gotten it the month before. what if my dream was a premonition? highly unlikely, seeing as i'm not having sex. with anyone. anywhere. anytime.

i had dream two last night. i was getting off the 215 bus across the street from my house when i saw this boy i went to school with...in real life we went through brief stages of being kind of goodish friends from grade 7-10. he smoked a lot of weed and apparently had a crush on me freshman year but then found out i had let one of his best friends feel me up at a party and then wasn't interested anymore. anyways, back in my subconcious, he was riding his bike past my house. a zombie creature who looked like him in zombie form was ridng a bike behind him. the zombie was something he had created for a movie or something. i walked across the street and asked if i could shake the zombies hand, and then shook a bag of doritos at it. the boy told me he would eat me if i did that, so i just went home. moments later i sudden rush of fear came over me and i looked out the peephole in my door. there was the zombies giant monster mouth roaring on the other side. i let out a shreek and then heard laughing on the other side of the door. i found myself shoving the keyes under the door but then realized how stupid i was and pulled them back under. the boy and his zombie ended up getting into my house- i don't know how. the zombie morphed into the scariest monster i've ever seen- his body seemed to be covered in strange dark paper mache scales and his face was hideous. he had the body of a human but moved all hunched over, almost, but not quite on all fours. his head was just an oval, and was covered the way his body was- and his mouth was huge and full of disgustingly grimy teeth, all of which were huge and sharp and would make me bleed to death upon contact with my skin. the boy instructed the zombie to attack me and it tried to do. i kept running in circle around my living room to get away from it, screaming and crying and telling the boy that if he didn't tell his monster to stop i would call my dad. everything in my living room morphed into the style of the monster- the monet on my wall became a framed painting of him, my couches were covered in his scales. i finally started screaming for my dad to come downstairs and make them leave. he did so, and all of a sudden the monster was tame. he started talking like an autistic child. he had a conversation with us about show and tell and trying to find an agent. the boy and his monster left and my living room went back to normal.

maybe i've been spending too much time by myself doing nothing and that's why my dreams are the way they are. or maybe i'm mourning this relationship. or maybe i'm freaking out about college. i'm not trying to regress into an eighth grader and write about how sad i am and how the world is just a big black ball of pain because johnny football doesn't like me in my blog or anything, don't get me wrong. did i even ever go through that phase? i certainly hope not.

i do have a case of the mean reds though. it's been a very internal thing. nothing external has been a catalyst, which is why i can't help but feel like an eighth grader, suffering from herself and almost enjoying wallowing in it all.
maybe it's just this week.