and when i finally kissed him the whole world began to ring

I'm taking five classes next semester. Logic, Intro to Earth Science, Anthro202, Comp102, and History of the Ancient World (because I like the professor, he's teaching me the conservative view of USA history since 1877 right now). Large load, I know. The bogus part is I have four of those classes on the same day, and one of them on Monday and Wednesday evenings. I just have to keep reminding myself what a good deal OCC is (money wise) and how working Mondays and Wednesdays and then traveling back to Skokie to learn about the earth and its sciences will be worth it come August. I'm constantly looking for apartments in Rogers Park and stuff. It's an exciting time. I'm getting my shit together. Really.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, I was at a party and a friend of mine sang a line from a Wolf Parade song and I finished it and I realized that this obsession with rock music is really, really nerdy, and that I am also a nerd. But that's okay, I guess. Better to be a music nerd than an anime nerd, that's what I was always told.

I am so bored with basically all the music I listen to. The only music that's really been interesting me lately is old Neutral Milk Hotel, AKA everything that is not "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea". Not that I don't still think that "Aeroplane" is one of the best things ever recorded in the history of humans (please don't think that!)- I just think "On Avery Island" and the other random collection of stuff I have is endearing and LoFi-ish. I love how some of the tracks sound kind of messy, like a lot of the instrumental parts are full of sonic noise. And there's nothing I love more than some good sonic noise (with the exception of that ten minute long Wilco song). I'm still kicking myself for not seeing Jeff Magnum when he came to Chicago with the Elephant 6 tour. See? NERD. I check Pitchfork like four times a day, I swear.

Things I am looking forward to:
snoking a blowl with Alec in like 30 minutes
Jeff Tweedy and the Breeders at second city on Tuesday?? Maybe I can meet Jeff Tweedy and Kim Deal in one night. Talk about two birds with one stone.
winter break!
mucca pazza
making the pumpkin spice bread that I "stole" from William Sonoma.

I'm so excited to collect some stories. Yes, this storytelling thing is only a possibility for the ensemble's season, but all talk about stories made me realize how many good ones I've heard and how badly they need to be documented.
So get ready.

OHOHOH I FORGOT.
I saw an advanced screening of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" last night. Watch the fuck out for this movie, because it's going to be nominated for about a billion Oscars come spring. And I can honestly say it deserves to win all of them. This was one of the most moving and beautiful films I have ever seen in my entire life. I want everyone I know to see it. I had to leave the theater immediately when the credits began to role because I was crying so much. Wow wow wow. If you read this and you're going to see me this December you'd better believe we are going to see this movie.


This kid from my high school hung himself. He was in my spanish class junior year. He talked to me a lot and always had scars on his arms. Really eerie stuff.

you pms like a bitch, i would know...CALIFORNIA

Let's talk about gay marriage, okay?

Come on California, really? I thought you were the land of eucolyptus scented air, free love, trolleys and revolution. I guess I thought wrong.

Of course I am for gay marriage. Of course I am. I believe this is a civil rights issue, a moral issue, and a huge sign of how ignorant the public is. I believe the reason Prop8 passed is because people don't understand exactly what gay marriage entails and what it does not.

What it does entail:
1. the ability to own joint property as a couple. owning a home together, owning a golf cart together, owning a dog together- whatever. that doesn't sound that harmful, does it?
2. certain rights in case of emergency/hospitalization. this is the big one in my opinon. I've been reading a lot about this issue and there are a lot of horror stories...If you are not someones family or SPOUSE (LEGALLY) you cannot stay with them in the hospital. I read about a man who wanted to stay with his partner of twenty five years in the hospital overnight after a near fatal heart attack. Not only could he not stay, or make any important choices over his partner's well being while in the hospital because of non-spouse status, but his partner's family, who were adimently anti-gay, were able to ban him from visiting all together. horrible stuff. legalizing the marriage would also allow for sick leave if ones spouse was ill.
3. bereavment leave. choice as to where one's partner would be burried upon death.
4. filing for joint bankruptcy!
5. insurance breaks!
6. other groundshaking moral atrocites, such as tax breaks and prison visits.
7. a huge step forward for this nation.

What gay marriage does not entail:
1. the apocolypse.


And yes, I could not be more thrilled about President Elect Obama (doesn't it feel good to say that outloud?) but I can't help but still feel outraged at the enormous injustice that is happening in regards to our homosexual sisters and brothers.

ALSO!
I've been having the weirdest fucking dreams. I dreampt I bit of a huge chunk of an exboyfriend's neck and then he was actually Dorian Gray.

Muzack:
Clam, Cockle, Cowrie- Joanna Newsom
Here's the Thing- Girl Talk
Excuse Me Mr.-No Doubt (old school. like seventh grade old school.)

in my head, there's a city at night

order, order

agenda:

a. wolf parade. excellent band! certainly not a silly internet buzz band, certainly not. their new record "at mount zoomer" is just as brimming with raw emotion (open to your own interpretation) and catchy keyboard melodies as "apologies to the queen mary". spencer krug is quite a guy. highly recommended, five stars out of fives. high fives all around, wolf parade.

b. there are a lot of things stressing me out. a lot. for those of you that don't know (and read this, which is basically no one, so what am i doing), my mom tried to kill herself last weekend. she only stayed in the hospital for three days. this is because neither her or my dad's health care would cover an extended stay in the psych ward. they work every single day and pay copious amounts of cash to make sure that in case of a tragedy or emergency (such as this one) they will be taken care of. well, no. that's not actually the case. they pay rising premiums to not get covered. because of this, because the middle class is getting royally fucked in the anus as far as health care is concerned, my mom is here. she's asleep in the room next to me, deathly ill (yes, it's a disease) and extremely dangerous to herself. she's dying in there, and it's painful to watch. this brings me to point

c. the election is number two in the top five things that are stressing me out right now list. for those of you that have chosen to look at the state of things objectively, for those of you who have chosen to play devils advocate because obama endorsement is a popular position amongst your peers, for those of you that are voting for mccain because you are a republican...you do not understand how close to home everything is hitting. the outcome of this election WILL directly effect you. the economy is...well, as the daily show so aptly put it, a "clusterfuck to the poor house". health care is obviously fucked. billions of dollars a month are being spent on an unjustified war. my right to choice in regards to my body is dangerously close to being stripped away (i have had two pregnancy scares this summer). oh, and according to America's favorite maverick, oral contraceptives for females should not be covered by health care but viagra should. in this case, the popular belief is the right one. obama is obviously the right candidate for the job...and yet, our country seems to be in love with a maverick and his adorable (FRIGHTENING) hockey mom ho. there is a chance these two will be the most powerful two people in the free world. he refers to you as his friend when he does not know you and her favorite movies include "hoosiers" and "rudy". i know it's popular to say that you're going to move if mccain gets elected...but i honestly don't know if i could stay here if that happened.

d. i have realized i hate beer. two sips of keystone light and i felt like i was going to vomit. really, i don't want to party at all. i just want to go to bed. my ideal man does not like beer pong, theme parties that only involve half naked girls and nights centered only around the idea of getting laid. my ideal man just likes to go to bed, just like i do. i want a man i can fall asleep with at 10:56 on a saturday night.

e. number three on the stress list is work. yeah. i pretty much hate my job. but i would be a fool to quit it. BECAUSE WE ARE IN A CLUSTERFUCK TO THE POOR HOUSE.

f. dr.wax records in evanston is shutting down. 50% off sale. yeah, that rules for me. but i feel it's the beginning of the death of the local record and book store. scary shit. considering i have also realized my dream job is just to work in a record store and do nude modeling for art classes on the side.

g. my new religion is science. i believe in science and i believe in the destructive power of man.

h. review of fleet foxes concert coming soon.

i. am going through this thing totally alone. it's hard and i can't say that i'm soldiering through it because i'm actually failing miserably at it.

j. too many cigarettes! but oh man, do them camel number nines take the edge off.


This place here is no friend of mine
What is passed, we'll just leave it behind
And what you know could only mean one thing
And what you know could only mean one thing
Rooted to the place that you spring from

I don't know if it was the result of another long day selling things to the women of the north shore, or my lack of sleep, or my generally negative disposition as of late, but when I went to the punk show Friday night, I was brought back. It felt better then it ever had to slam into other people with every fiber of my body. Getting pushed and punched and kicked in the head by crowd surfers felt better than sex and I was really enjoying being covered in more of other people's sweat than my own.

Punk Rock has been something that I've never really understood. Is it a type of music? Well, yes, if you're the Ramones or Bad Brains or the Sex Pistols or something, but right now a lot of bands, and a lot of fans of those bands, are offended if you label the music as "punk". So I guess right now, it's not actually a type of music. If it's not a musical genre, then it can't really be a lifestyle, or anything more than some kind of put on image. Fake. Ingenuine. An army of zombies for those who don't want to join the other army of zombies, right? There's still a uniform. Liberity spikes and DIY clothes instead of Coache wristlets and polos with the collar up.

But I've been horrible lately. More angry and alienated and sad and confused than I've ever been, more reliant on music than ever...I have less faith in the concept of parties and beer games and hook ups and slutty clothes as healers than I did two months ago. I don't fit in with that culture as well as I thought I did. And I've realized I don't want to. Whatever it takes to be normal right now, I don't have, and don't see the point in trying to obtain. My peers are very into faux-happiness. This idea of projecting yourself as happy and together in hopes that maybe it will eventually be true is complete bullshit. I'm sick of backwards baseball caps and hipsters and beer and making out and pretending and working and and and and and
No. I do not want to play beer pong.
No. I cannot help you find anything that will hide your fat-ass. We have nothing in the store that is made out of magical wizard cloth. Sorry.
No. I do not think your flirty texts are witty or charming. I will not be having sex with you anytime soon.
NO I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MY MATH CLASS.
NO NO NO I DO NOT THINK IT'S OKAY THAT YOU DO THOSE DRUGS
NO things are NOT going to be okay after this election.
NO I DO NOT THINK BARACK HAS A STRONG CHANCE ANYMORE
NO NO NO NO NO NO

and so I started moshing and screaming and listening to every word Jack Terricloth said like it was gospel. and I pushed and was pushed and danced and finally kind of understood punk rock, a little.
It's a zen, it's a philosophy. It's so much justified anger that you don't even know what to do with yourself. It's not fitting in with whatever is larger than you- and not wanting to- ever- and choosing not to let that control you. It's the idea that maybe chaos is the most natural form of things.
Maybe I wasn't being totally dumb when I went to all those little punk shows and wore a lot of bracelets and spikes my sophmore year. Maybe I was kind of on to something. Maybe I could break everything in my life and let go of everyone and it would be fine. Maybe I'm not constrained. Maybe all honest art is kind of punk. Maybe there's a little bit of the punk spirit still in me.

Or maybe a real '77 would just punch me in the face if they heard me saying any of this. Maybe I don't get it.

But whatever. World/Inferno ruled Friday night, is what I'm trying to say.
The devil entered the Subterranean for sure.

a box full of suggestions for your possible heart

so i think i need to dedicate this to the sisterhood (cat, veronica, hailey)

this has already done, but i want to make my own list.

this is you and your girls in the summer in evanston, il:

camel number nines, arizona ice tea and red bull as chasers for stolen liquor, the notorious liquor bandit of evanston, il, cruising down golf fast as hell/drunk as hell/smoking a bowl and blasting MGMT, d-boy and his nails, DIP DIP DIP, spraying my dog in the nose with binaca, "don't get a big dick", parties at finders house, hooking up for novelty's sake, talking about it the next day, looking really hot (seriously), being the other woman, "my father is teaching a lesson!", first pregnancy tests, the craziest house parties i have ever been to at the big yellow house on asbury, radiohead, gravity bongs, unbeatable flip cup teams fueled by anger and a need for revenge towards the men who wronged us (that night over winter break at least), being smarter than other girls (you will not get SHIT out of us), knowing that we do not have magical vaginas and that NO ONE does, gorgeous green tree lined streets in north evanston, the lake, the rocks, fires on the northwestern campus, finding out broken social scene and common are playing a free show on the northwestern campus last minute, getting totally wasted before that concert, being totally covered in mud at that concert, walking in horizontal lines, entering a room with these bitches, paper planes as an anthem, the sex and the city movie at midnight, I CURSE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN (what a perfect time to hear that phrase!), so much love


i remember the day i was dumped over the telephone at the beginning of the summer. i didn't get dressed. my three sisters came right over and found me lying in bed like a dead person. we plotted revenge, i cried, the phrase "he's a tiny dick fat WEIRDO" was uttered and then...cat told me to get dressed and get out of bed. if no one told me that i wouldn't have done it.
thank you for being there to tell me to keep moving.
and for writing hilarious things in his honesty box.
and for being the best people in the world.

smoke weed; kill bitches.

time, time tickin' on me

i mostly look forward to post-sex, to be honest. but all i can think about lately is that thing that harry says in when harry met sally about how all men think about after sex is how long they have to lay there and cuddle before they can get up and leave.
there is no worse feeling than your partner leaving after you fuck. i guess that can be categorized as abandonment. all forms of abandonment are the absolute lowest of low pits.


but also, i hate playgrounds. i want to see some old school dangerous fun playground equipment, please. made out of hot metal, that you can burn yourself on, and fall off of, and get really dizzy on, that are the cause of sprained ankles. what kid wants to play on plastic with no sharp edges? no wonder they all turn to drugs and sex and hanging out by train tracks...PLAYGROUNDS SUCK NOW.

just for my own memory i need to record the happenings of my subconscious, aka one of the most intense/cinematic dreams ever. i'm already losing the details but here's what i can recall:

1. it all lead up to the dark knight premiere at midnight. i'm at the mall and eddie veder is near corner bakery, as is some vagabond seeming young man having conversations with everyone
2. my most recent ex-boyfriend was in town and i desperately needed to tell him how many people i've slept with/how hurt i am...but he beats me to the punch by telling me how he's fucked a girl. i then proceed to insult how fast he is at coming during the act with "how long did i take yo this time? ten or twenty seconds?" i continue to try and talk to him but there is some asian man who keeps preventing this from happening, slash little kids playing laser tag that keep stinging me (what? i know)i am still heart broken and have this incredible urge to talk to him but end up running away as fast as i can.
3. i see a girl i went to high school with, belinda. she's riding this boy's (the one i'm fucking now) vespa. i meet her at what seems to be mccormic and howard and she gives it to me. my closest three guy friends (max, alec, andy) role up on little kid plastic bikes. we ride away. for some reason they're going faster than me even though it feels like i'm going full speed. like scary full speed. and i'm all of a sudden riding on green bay road past a wallgreens, and there's all these old people wheel chair shopping carts in the middle of the street. i jump them on the scooter and then black out.
4. when i wake up i'm in jail. this girl who was my best friend at the beginning of the summer but isn't now is there, along with several of her minions. max,etc are there too. we're all in one cell and they won't tell us why we're being held. i try to figure it out and try to escape to go talk to my ex/see the dark knight but nothing works. i get in a fight with the girl because she has white shit all over her face and i tell her i don't find that attractive at all. she says something mean about the ex being in town, about him looking at other women and i slap her.
5. i end up escaping and running towards the movie theatre but it's suddenly day time again. the day has started over- like the movie groundhogs day, kind of, but different. midnight is never going to come. for some reason (in the dream) some larger power is trying stop me from seeing the movie. the vagabond is there, and he's going insane because time won't move forward for him either. he tries to bury a twenty dollar bill. we go to his house and his parents are having a dinner party. he is literally tearing down his entire house. he wants to find the money he buried.

the strange this is i kept vaguely waking up but then forcing myself back into the dream.

go listen to lcd soundsystem if you're not already.
and get exile in guyville.

unpure unchaste

american boy

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE VALIDATE THIS BLOG. by that i mean, is anyone reading this??
surrriously.


since the only two people who are maybe even viewing this are hailey and veronica...
thank you for introducing me to this song! i think it's my summer '08 song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjlOYHp
i-A0

He said, Hey Sister.
It's really really nice to meet ya.
I just met this 5 foot 7 guy who's just my type.
like the way he's speaking, his confidence is peaking.
Don't like his baggy jeans but Ima like what's underneath them.
And no I aint been to MIA
I heard that Cali never rains and New York's heart awaits. First let's see the west end.
I'll show you to my bridren.
I'm like this American Boy. American Boy

perfecting the science of breaking my heart

i just had the most amazing night!!

birthday party, going away party, party party

i am drunk


the moon roof was open and it started to rain and we stuck our heads out. it was so intense to just be moving forward full speed in the middle of a storm. i felt like myself again for the first time in forever




i really love my life. as in, i'm sad over a fucking loser and stuff, but really, he sucks a lot, and i can admit that to myself now. i honestly could do better. and i am!! doing better, as far as males are concerned. but i also have the most wonderful friends on the planet, and a wonderful job, with a wonderful boss, and a wonderful environment, and wonderful everything. i sound like a pollyanna or whatever.



the only part that keeps bothering me is how much love i wasted on him. wasted love is a terrible thing. especially when you realize you were wasting it on someone who doesn't even love themselves, you know?

sisterhood, man time, hook ups, miller high life, blunts, boys, summer dresses, shot glasses, suburbia, the lake, the city, the people, the lifestyle, the green trees, the house parties, the entire summertime mentality:
my life fucking rules so much without you i forget why i even wanted you in it in the first place.
peace.

walkin' a long and lonely mile

i really have to start taking that medicine again. like really. MEAN REDS. but on the bright side it's finally getting warmer...



i've always loved the blue light in this scene
just gorgeous

mistaken for strangers by your own friends

It's weird when you realize how different you are from your close friends. Or in my case, how differently I handle sadness. Some of them drink, some of them have to be around others. I become a total recluse. I haven't left my house today. I called people, but it felt really forced. I felt like they didn't want to see me, but I also really just didn't want to leave. It hurts to be here alone but the idea of going out kind of scares me.
And just because I'm Kori and have this habit of turning nice boys into not nice boys, the one person I do want to talk to is impossible to get a hold of. I'm not saying he's not a nice boy anymore, I can't jump to that conclusion. I've just seen this happen before, a lot, with me....
It starts with the phone.

whoa mama

1. if i was about to die and God said, "kori, you can do one more thing before you die. what do you want to do?" i would play theater games. like zip zap zop and the one where you have to make eye contact with someone on the other side of the circle and switch places before the person in the middle of the circle took your spot, or that one we played in theater workshop, about power and status, and telephone (not the one where you send a message around a circle, although i wouldn't mind playing that before i died either)...

2. watching arrested development makes me feel like a part of something.


3. i really like george harrison's solo work. my love for "all things must pass" has grown A LOT in 2008. wah-wah!

4. the dewy cox beatles depiction is so wonderful. especially george. speaking of justin long, HOW HOT IS HE?? i recently saw him in a lifetime film (trust me, i got sucked into it because of JL. it was the first and last lifetime movie i'll ever watch.) I was channel surfing and I happened upon him making out with some girl. and it was hot. i used to do this a lot when i was little...watch a movie purely for the kissing parts. my point is, be it mac commercials, lifetime movies, walk hard, waiting, or walking around with drew barrymore, justin long is one fine piece of man. amen.

5. when i was little my favorite beatle changed all the time. at first i just loved ringo because my favorite song was yellow submarine, but then realized how cute paul was, but then realized how powerful/attractive john was, but then realized how mysterious and peaceful george was. and then when i actually started judging my favorite beatle by music everything went to shit and i just could never decide! how can a person SERIOUSLY have a favorite beatle?? and i feel like John is a cop-out answer. like, of course you love john lennon. everyone loves john lennon. but ignore his solo career and what he stood for, look at him in terms of being a beatle. it's a HARD QUESTION. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE BEATLE???? YOU CAN'T COMMIT TO A FAVORITE BEATLE. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO CHOOSE. i mean at least i know it's not ringo...well, actually...


6. i would really love to meet paul mccartney. really really love it.

7. i'm on this beatles kick because they're the background on my computer screen, and i'm listening to them on last.fm.

8. WHERE IN THE WORLD is my boyfriend. i know where he is but i feel like he's lost or something.

9. think of your most mortifying middle school dance moment. or the biggest fight that happened at one between two girls. there was this one girl who would always come with us to weber dances, and she would always claim to have her period and just sit in the bathroom the entire time. every single time.

10. euthanasia is legal in Oregon?

www.cansfestival.com


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Publish Post
http://www.xkcd.com/61/











thank you for these wonderful pancakes, dani stein!!

glorious

i am extremely sad. this is probably the saddest i've ever been in my life, as a matter of fact. there is not one aspect of my life that isn't a complete mess. and even though everything is wrong with my parents, my money situation, my friends, my body...all i can really do is sit here and miss him.

dedicated follower of fashion.

things have been going pretty well. i've got two weeks left of school starting today, which is bittersweet in every sense of the word. nathan is leaving, but all the rest of my friemly (i'm trying to combine friend and family there, since my friends are more like family, self explanitory, yeah.) is coming back. i'm hoping for a healthy and active summer. my priorities are getting a job, visiting texas and going to lollapalooza, but maybe squeezing in some bike riding, camping, hiking, arts/crafts, tanning, many sober nights with those i haven't seen in a long time, stabilizing, visiting indiana, maybe kansas, READING FOR THE LOVE OF PETE (i haven't finished a book in forever and i'm ashamed of myself...also i meant the phrase "for the love of pete", there is no book called "for the love of pete" but i could be wrong, i guess i'd read that book), trying to delete "hey girl hey" and "omg" from my vocabulary, building a stronger vocabulary, writing, smoking pot outside, but not smoking too much pot, etc. maybe i'll make out with some boys on accident, but i'd really rather not.

oh and i'm applying to a million colleges too. my parents are on the illinois state school side of things, but i'm feeling some of these schools way too much. i don't want to sell myself short- i believe i am capable of attending a private college where i will be challenged. i believe i will struggle but i also believe i will be able to handle it. i have this intense hunger for learning. i want to learn everything.

it's very rough to be in love. but also really beautiful. i keep thinking how unfair this all is, but then i remember that there are people who haven't experienced this kind of emotional intimacy at all. i'm actually very lucky. even if i never see him again, i'll know i was loved (for real) and treated the way that i deserve to be treated. i can honestly say i was in a healthy, normal, wonderful, magical, trusting, genuine relationship. it wasn't perfect, but that's what made it so perfect.
we took a shower together last night.

my soundtrack has been the kinks, radiohead, the awkward stage (check them out!), weezer (pinkerton and blue, but also green. i guess i'm just not an actual weezer fan since i like green? real weezer fans only like pinkerton and blue. i hate unwritten fan rules. bogus.)

it's been BEAUTIFUL outside. everything is blooming. i think i'm not as excited about it as usual because subconciously i feel as though i deserve beautiful weather because i lived through the horrendous winter of '08. so it's like i'm finally getting my paycheck or something. it's about damn time.

i'm really looking forward to seeing the friemly (maybe this combo word isn't a good idea) but i'm also really nervous. so many people have gone through drastic changes, some for the better, but mostly for the worse, and i feel like things are going to spiral out of control. what exactly is rock bottom and how long will it take people to hit it? i want to help but i don't know how. like, it's my job to help, we're friemly, but i don't know how and people don't necessarily want it even though they need it. in middle school, they tell you to go tell a trusted adult if your friends are in trouble. i missed my chance to to that- we are the adults now. we are the adults making our own choices and fucking things up. complicated shit.

i can't wait for it to be close to 100 degrees so i can walk into my air conditioned house from the outside. best summer feeling that there is, hands down.



ignore this part, this is for personal reference:
(finish) still life with woodpecker
(finish) jiggerbug perfume
another roadside attraction
skinny legs and all
the book of laughter and forgetting- kundera
the rules of attraction
american psycho
the electric kool-aid acid test
on the road
the virgin suicides
dreaming in cuban
no one belongs here more than you: stories
100 years of solitude
life of pi
Palahniuk...all
(reread) the book of embraces
days and nights of love and war
memory of fire
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius- eggers
one flew over the cuckoos nest
slaughterhouse five
breakfast of champions
catch 22


does that sound enough for one summer? suggestions?
it's just like, they've all been on my list forever and i always skip over them because they've been on my list forever. but i'm reading them this summer so i can start a new damn list.

that cute cunt contessa counting coins and cows, coyly.

everything has become unmanagable. yesterday (4/20) was overwhelming. my leg hurt, the brownie hit me in all the wrong places at all the wrong times, and i thought i was going to die. paranoia.
nothing seems fair. i've already stunted and killed this relationship. why get more emotionally attatched until it's time for him to go and never come back? so i essentially feel single. but not the fun single that comes two weeks after a harsh break up, when you're ready to (so desperate that you will) get drunk and give the first man that gives you any kind of attention a blow job. it's the four months single when drunk and impersonal fumbling in the dark have lost their magic, and your self esteem is so low that you honestly believe no guy is looking at you because you're not worth looking at, or worth loving. so even though i have a boyfriend for the time being, i feel miserable and abandoned. i am an island.
my dad told me i seem depressed and overwhelmed. that i sound that way on the phone when he calls.
also i'm so fat that my knees cannot support me anymore. yeah.

in other news, i have no idea what i want to do with my life and am completely lost in regards to that aspect of things. two, not one but two, of my best friends thought it wasn't worth it anymore and there's another on the way, i can just tell. my flip flops are broken.



IT'S SPRING TIME!!!!!!!!! YEA!!!!



Some trees will bend
And some will fall
But then again
So will us all

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Sylvia Plath

aren't i supposed to be getting drunk on st.patty's day?
NOT writing a stupid fucking philosophy paper and freaking about midterms?

god columbia, the one time i need you to continue being a piece of shit step up from a community college that requires absolutely no work or effort you fail me.
that's really great of you.
NOT.







i'm just glad you're still here, babygirl. i love you. and i think you know who you are because you're the only one that really reads this, i think.
yeah that's right i just gave you a shoutout on my blog.

story is the girl is

it's always right under your nose. always. you just have to look.

the perks of having a boy:
he will move heavy things for me (aka helping me unloft my bed)
we have established that i am "his girl" which is too adorable for words
he will get things that i am too short to reach
he likes to get high and play text twist, i like to get high and play text twist
i feel adult


and some other things too. but that shit is nasty, not for blogs.

HEY GUESS WHAT I'M REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HAPPY
SO SUCK YOU CAN JUST MY DICK
I REALLY MEAN THAT
GO AHEAD AND FELATE ME
BECAUSE I'M HAPPY AND DON'T GIVE NO FUCK

why is it that when i'm giddy like this it comes off so aggresively?
note to the general public: if i tell you to fuck off/suck my cock/anything else really offensive
it probably just means i'm in a good mood



cause i loooooooooove the way you say good morning
thanks ingrid

ME TOO

sometimes on sundays i think i might have sent in the secrets myself and just forgotten about it.
but it's kind of uplifting to know someone somewhere feels exactly the same thing that i do.

like an angel from a bedtime story

everything is sorted into compartments. neat ones. neat little compartments.

when i get high i think about how the world is essentially a distopia right now. reading all these vonnegut short stories on the plane scared me a lot, because some of his futuristic worlds weren't very far off from our reality. i want to stop watching tv and eating meat. tv, because when i think about it i get really uncomfortable. every household in america has its glowing box. and that glowing box might as well be giving us all frontal labotomies. there is no earnest television, it's all about selling a product, or better yet a personality, a life better than the one you lead, just sitting in front of your glowing box. i want to stop eating meat because of something i saw on my glowing box, AKA the very end of fast food nation.

what scares me is how much is behind everything. commercials aren't just commercials. advertising people use so many psychological tricks and have such a specific customer in mind when they create them and it's just creepy to me. like, whose target audience am i? what can i be boiled down to, what can they sell me?

i am SO SICK OF CONSUMING.

and you can't escape it either! try going outside without someone trying to sell you something. ads are on trains and buses and in airport bathrooms and at your college and on your computer screen on and your shoes and clothes and in your house and i don't know if i can take it anymore BUT i think living in this consumer culture has made everyone who they are without their knowledge so how do i get out of this??

tv and money are numbing my brain. i think i probably want to be a recluse for a while at some point in my life just to experiment. how would i do without any input from this culture i'm a part of right now?


the above is just a glimpse into my brain when i smoke weed^^^
SO CLICHE