Wednesday, November 18
Sunday, October 25
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying
PIONEERS, O, PIONEERS!
blogging is a good alternative to reading the adventures of huckleberry finn/researching for my stripper talk tomorrow/writing about simone de beauvoir/writing about the scarlet letter/studying for this midterm/being productive/etc. is californiacation degrading to women? i don't know, but all the sex scenes are usually hot hot hot.
getting fucked up is all fun and good, but i never get anything done after a night of heavy drinking.
oh, pioneers. i want to build a new world. according to mark twain, no one can be a good person unless they leave society. i've always agreed...so when i turn 50 i am moving to the mountains to read and farm and make the right moral choices and whatnot. who's with me?
blogging is a good alternative to reading the adventures of huckleberry finn/researching for my stripper talk tomorrow/writing about simone de beauvoir/writing about the scarlet letter/studying for this midterm/being productive/etc. is californiacation degrading to women? i don't know, but all the sex scenes are usually hot hot hot.
getting fucked up is all fun and good, but i never get anything done after a night of heavy drinking.
oh, pioneers. i want to build a new world. according to mark twain, no one can be a good person unless they leave society. i've always agreed...so when i turn 50 i am moving to the mountains to read and farm and make the right moral choices and whatnot. who's with me?
Wednesday, June 3
addiction medicine specialist
when i was in seventh and eighth grade, i would listen to adam and dr.drew basically every night on this jank little walkman i had. my parents would tell me to go to bed, and from 10 to 12 i would lie in the dark with my headphones on, burying my head in my pillow to stifle my giddy, guilty laughter. part of the appeal was that the show was really dirty and i knew my mom would be mad at me if i was staying up late listening to it. it would usually put me to sleep in 30, maybe 40 minutes. adam's voice is the weirdest lullaby ever.
as shitty as things were, i always had loveline to look forward to. and i mean, it was seventh grade. thing were shitty. not only did i have this terrible case of the pubescent blues, but my family was as fucked up as it had ever been (and as fucked up as i thought it was going to get. i totally believed that.) and nights in my house were fucked up and rough as sandpaper with glass shards and sharks teeth glued on it. loveline was really comforting, like my grandma rubbing my back or my dog coming up all concerned whenever i cried really loudly.
it's weird how i found it again right as things started falling apart. i have the hardest fucking time getting to sleep all the time- thank THE FUCKING LORD for loveline archives online. fuck that striker guy.
this is adam carolla and dr.drew.
things that never stop being weird: having a sex dream about someone and then seeing them the next day.
my only goal for the future is to find someone who speaks the same fucking language as i do. foreign is an emotion.
as shitty as things were, i always had loveline to look forward to. and i mean, it was seventh grade. thing were shitty. not only did i have this terrible case of the pubescent blues, but my family was as fucked up as it had ever been (and as fucked up as i thought it was going to get. i totally believed that.) and nights in my house were fucked up and rough as sandpaper with glass shards and sharks teeth glued on it. loveline was really comforting, like my grandma rubbing my back or my dog coming up all concerned whenever i cried really loudly.
it's weird how i found it again right as things started falling apart. i have the hardest fucking time getting to sleep all the time- thank THE FUCKING LORD for loveline archives online. fuck that striker guy.
this is adam carolla and dr.drew.
things that never stop being weird: having a sex dream about someone and then seeing them the next day.
my only goal for the future is to find someone who speaks the same fucking language as i do. foreign is an emotion.
Tuesday, May 19
laughing with a mouth of blood
dreamin dreamin
1. at francescas: it was the first time meeting our new area manager, fradina, and she was a giant bitch. she made me organize lip gloss by scent and texture, but i also had to alphabetize them in this weird dirty room. there was an office full of women who worked at fran's above the store, and i went there, and she made me stand on a block and turn around while she insulted my outfit and told me to pick out better belts- she named off a bunch of brand name belt makers and told me to memorize them. i told my coworkers she was being mean and they didn't say a word.
2. i tried to escape and decided i would go to my friend alec's dad's house to sleep, because there is never anyone there. the house had white walls and gray furniture, and i laid down on an old couch to go to sleep. hailey called me and told me that his dad actually was there and that i had to get out ASAP. so to remedy the situation, i decided to make it seem like the house had been robbed. i fucked a bunch of shit up and hid a pair of scissors (it was a dream, okay? i know this is weird shit.) i left the house and ran down the block (which looked like my block via like 4pm in august- bright sun but kind of twilight vibes going on) and his dad caught up with me and told me his house had been robbed. i said i didn't know anything about it.
3. some apartment party- brown molding and a brown fireplace. red cups and my manager from work, possibly my friends.
4. i'm burning the new decemberists cd for this guy and his sisters.
the new st.vincent record is good stuff! i'm seeing the decemberists in like ten days. and the yeah yeah yeahs in like two weeks. and gogol bordello and man man also. and my pitchfork tickets just came. summer=concerts.
1. at francescas: it was the first time meeting our new area manager, fradina, and she was a giant bitch. she made me organize lip gloss by scent and texture, but i also had to alphabetize them in this weird dirty room. there was an office full of women who worked at fran's above the store, and i went there, and she made me stand on a block and turn around while she insulted my outfit and told me to pick out better belts- she named off a bunch of brand name belt makers and told me to memorize them. i told my coworkers she was being mean and they didn't say a word.
2. i tried to escape and decided i would go to my friend alec's dad's house to sleep, because there is never anyone there. the house had white walls and gray furniture, and i laid down on an old couch to go to sleep. hailey called me and told me that his dad actually was there and that i had to get out ASAP. so to remedy the situation, i decided to make it seem like the house had been robbed. i fucked a bunch of shit up and hid a pair of scissors (it was a dream, okay? i know this is weird shit.) i left the house and ran down the block (which looked like my block via like 4pm in august- bright sun but kind of twilight vibes going on) and his dad caught up with me and told me his house had been robbed. i said i didn't know anything about it.
3. some apartment party- brown molding and a brown fireplace. red cups and my manager from work, possibly my friends.
4. i'm burning the new decemberists cd for this guy and his sisters.
the new st.vincent record is good stuff! i'm seeing the decemberists in like ten days. and the yeah yeah yeahs in like two weeks. and gogol bordello and man man also. and my pitchfork tickets just came. summer=concerts.
Thursday, April 30
when money you're needing and mouths you are feeding
hey spencer and heidi! since you're so famous for no reason, and therefore wealthy for no reason, how about NOT exploiting this possible pandemic for your own publicity purposes and buying some medicine for some people in mexico?
have you ever felt totally betrayed by your culture? if anyone foreign is secretly reading this, let me assure you, I DO NOT UPHOLD THESE VALUES AND TRADITIONS (as pictured above.) I REPEAT. I DO NOT. UPHOLD. THESE VALUES AND TRADITIONS.
Saturday, April 25
A TOAST TO THE GOOD
A LIST OF THINGS I LOVE (RIGHT NOW)
1. MASH UPS- from girl talk to metermaids to jaydiohead to the gray album to this grizzly bear/dead prez thing i'm listening to- i love it all! i'm really glad i've been around to see this cool new sub-genre art form be created and evolve. sometimes the mashup is more beautiful/make you wanna shake yr booty than either of the songs desperately.
2. MASHED POTATOES
3. REALLY DEEP VOICES- I realized how fucking awesome these were during the Peter Bjorn and John concert the other night. Their bassist was singing along with the bass notes he was playing and I was like "damn. that is one deep voice." from james earl jones to the bassist of peter bjorn and john (who is either named peter, bjorn or john)- DEEP VOICES- I LOVE 'EM ALL!
4. PUNK GANGS- too fucking trivial not to love.
5. MANATEES- http://rickoshea.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/manatee.jpg I WANT TO UNDERWATER CUDDLE WITH THOSE FUCKING SEA COWS
6. DALE GRIBBLE, AS WELL AS THE REST OF COMMUNITY OF ARLEN, TX
1. MASH UPS- from girl talk to metermaids to jaydiohead to the gray album to this grizzly bear/dead prez thing i'm listening to- i love it all! i'm really glad i've been around to see this cool new sub-genre art form be created and evolve. sometimes the mashup is more beautiful/make you wanna shake yr booty than either of the songs desperately.
2. MASHED POTATOES
3. REALLY DEEP VOICES- I realized how fucking awesome these were during the Peter Bjorn and John concert the other night. Their bassist was singing along with the bass notes he was playing and I was like "damn. that is one deep voice." from james earl jones to the bassist of peter bjorn and john (who is either named peter, bjorn or john)- DEEP VOICES- I LOVE 'EM ALL!
4. PUNK GANGS- too fucking trivial not to love.
5. MANATEES- http://rickoshea.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/manatee.jpg I WANT TO UNDERWATER CUDDLE WITH THOSE FUCKING SEA COWS
6. DALE GRIBBLE, AS WELL AS THE REST OF COMMUNITY OF ARLEN, TX
Tuesday, April 21
the billdozer
Life Story
by Tennessee Williams
After you've been to bed together for the first time,
without the advantage or disadvantage of any prior acquaintance,
the other party very often says to you,
Tell me about yourself, I want to know all about you,
what's your story? And you think maybe they really and truly do
sincerely want to know your life story, and so you light up
a cigarette and begin to tell it to them, the two of you
lying together in completely relaxed positions
like a pair of rag dolls a bored child dropped on a bed.
You tell them your story, or as much of your story
as time or a fair degree of prudence allows, and they say,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, until the oh
is just an audible breath, and then of course
there's some interruption. Slow room service comes up
with a bowl of melting ice cubes, or one of you rises to pee
and gaze at himself with mild astonishment in the bathroom mirror.
And then, the first thing you know, before you've had time
to pick up where you left off with your enthralling life story,
they're telling you their life story, exactly as they'd intended to all
along,
and you're saying, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, the vowel at last becoming
no more than an audible sigh,
as the elevator, halfway down the corridor and a turn to the left,
draws one last, long, deep breath of exhaustion
and stops breathing forever. Then?
Well, one of you falls asleep
and the other one does likewise with a lighted cigarette in his mouth,
and that's how people burn to death in hotel rooms.
by Tennessee Williams
After you've been to bed together for the first time,
without the advantage or disadvantage of any prior acquaintance,
the other party very often says to you,
Tell me about yourself, I want to know all about you,
what's your story? And you think maybe they really and truly do
sincerely want to know your life story, and so you light up
a cigarette and begin to tell it to them, the two of you
lying together in completely relaxed positions
like a pair of rag dolls a bored child dropped on a bed.
You tell them your story, or as much of your story
as time or a fair degree of prudence allows, and they say,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, until the oh
is just an audible breath, and then of course
there's some interruption. Slow room service comes up
with a bowl of melting ice cubes, or one of you rises to pee
and gaze at himself with mild astonishment in the bathroom mirror.
And then, the first thing you know, before you've had time
to pick up where you left off with your enthralling life story,
they're telling you their life story, exactly as they'd intended to all
along,
and you're saying, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, the vowel at last becoming
no more than an audible sigh,
as the elevator, halfway down the corridor and a turn to the left,
draws one last, long, deep breath of exhaustion
and stops breathing forever. Then?
Well, one of you falls asleep
and the other one does likewise with a lighted cigarette in his mouth,
and that's how people burn to death in hotel rooms.
Tuesday, April 7
HALO HALO HALO
i have cried so much since october that i could probably fill up a sizable bucket with my sweet, salty eye liquid. is it normal to be talking to your boyfriend on aim in a lighthearted manner one minute and then hugging your knees and weeping the next? what? who THE FUCK am i these days?
last night we watched a movie about a dinosaur named big al in my earth science class. motherfucker was a cute fucking baby dino, damn it.
note: stop swearing like a sailor, kori. it makes you sound uneducated and crass.
THROW UP IN YOUR HANDS AND SCREAM
the more downhill things go, the more i consider doing acid.
DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO
THROW
UP
IN
YOUR
HANDS
AND
SCREAM
?
??
!!!??
?!!
last night we watched a movie about a dinosaur named big al in my earth science class. motherfucker was a cute fucking baby dino, damn it.
note: stop swearing like a sailor, kori. it makes you sound uneducated and crass.
THROW UP IN YOUR HANDS AND SCREAM
the more downhill things go, the more i consider doing acid.
DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO
THROW
UP
IN
YOUR
HANDS
AND
SCREAM
?
??
!!!??
?!!
Wednesday, April 1
chicken little, falling from the sky
things are looking down. and i don't mean like an aerial view.
last night:
i should have written this when it was fresh, but i can tell you the dream was centered around ensemble113. i was walking towards niles north, to rehearsal during the summer, and basically every bird in the world was dying or dead. they were just falling from the sky. and to walk across the parking lot from the mall to the school...the whole parking lot was just covered in these bright purple dead birds with bright mustard yellow beaks. i mean covered with dead birds. when i got to the building this guys sister who is going to be our director for this children's show this summer was really angry at me (us? i think i was with someone) for being late and i had to explain about all the dead birds, but she didn't really care. there was talk of frilly costumes.
there was some section of the dream where i was in a car, driving at night, past a house with a lot of windows on a hill.
canyon walls are crumbling and collapsing around me. at least that's how it feels.
last night:
i should have written this when it was fresh, but i can tell you the dream was centered around ensemble113. i was walking towards niles north, to rehearsal during the summer, and basically every bird in the world was dying or dead. they were just falling from the sky. and to walk across the parking lot from the mall to the school...the whole parking lot was just covered in these bright purple dead birds with bright mustard yellow beaks. i mean covered with dead birds. when i got to the building this guys sister who is going to be our director for this children's show this summer was really angry at me (us? i think i was with someone) for being late and i had to explain about all the dead birds, but she didn't really care. there was talk of frilly costumes.
there was some section of the dream where i was in a car, driving at night, past a house with a lot of windows on a hill.
canyon walls are crumbling and collapsing around me. at least that's how it feels.
Monday, March 30
ivory lines lead ooowaahooo
more dreamin'
this one is already fuzzy, even though i woke up like ten minutes ago:
part i:
everyone is sitting on a couch, it's night. my old friend andy is dating this girl from a different group of people- she's tall and i always told her she should audition for americas next top model (in reality). he's cuddling and whispering things to her, and i grab him and ask him what exactly he told her and he said he told my secret about the threesome (which threesome? this was unclear). i climbed on top of her and she said she couldn't be friends with me or something, so i slapped her in the face a couple times. i remember slapping many people in the face and biting their fingers in this dream- possibly this little kind of hipster ex-drug addict i know, possibly my friend cat, all because andy kept telling my secrets. i ended up outside, near my old old old childhood best friends new apartment- there were stairs in front of it and a sign that said something on the front. i think she wasn't planning on letting me come in.
part ii:
this had a lot to do with smoking pot, i think. i was running around at some new school place with all these kids i didn't know and i don't remember a lot. i eventually ended up at a book sale with diego. he was being a really good person and holding my hand, and then did something really honorable with a black guy and said black guy's child.
part iii:
i lost my damn phone. when i woke up it took me a second to realize i had been dreaming, and was totally freaking out.
not as much detail as i want but worth it- these dreams were very emotionally real and i thought the andy part was real when i woke up. it was strange how i kept waking up and then sleeping and having the plot continue like that. all three parts were linked, i just wrote them in chunks i could remember.
in other news, i have gotten into the college of my choice and snabbed a copy of 'I Am Charlotte Simmons' for a mere two dollar bills.
this one is already fuzzy, even though i woke up like ten minutes ago:
part i:
everyone is sitting on a couch, it's night. my old friend andy is dating this girl from a different group of people- she's tall and i always told her she should audition for americas next top model (in reality). he's cuddling and whispering things to her, and i grab him and ask him what exactly he told her and he said he told my secret about the threesome (which threesome? this was unclear). i climbed on top of her and she said she couldn't be friends with me or something, so i slapped her in the face a couple times. i remember slapping many people in the face and biting their fingers in this dream- possibly this little kind of hipster ex-drug addict i know, possibly my friend cat, all because andy kept telling my secrets. i ended up outside, near my old old old childhood best friends new apartment- there were stairs in front of it and a sign that said something on the front. i think she wasn't planning on letting me come in.
part ii:
this had a lot to do with smoking pot, i think. i was running around at some new school place with all these kids i didn't know and i don't remember a lot. i eventually ended up at a book sale with diego. he was being a really good person and holding my hand, and then did something really honorable with a black guy and said black guy's child.
part iii:
i lost my damn phone. when i woke up it took me a second to realize i had been dreaming, and was totally freaking out.
not as much detail as i want but worth it- these dreams were very emotionally real and i thought the andy part was real when i woke up. it was strange how i kept waking up and then sleeping and having the plot continue like that. all three parts were linked, i just wrote them in chunks i could remember.
in other news, i have gotten into the college of my choice and snabbed a copy of 'I Am Charlotte Simmons' for a mere two dollar bills.
Thursday, March 26
DREAMZDREAMSDREAMING
MORE WEIRDNESS IN MY SUBCONCIOUS LAST NIGHT
i was on some college campus somewhere with an old friend and a friend that i knew through her. and this girl holli was there. we went to this club and i was wearing a button down shirt, but it was unbuttoned and i wasn't wearing a bra so my tits were just out and all over the damn place. it was dark and the music was loud and things were really round, like the shape of the room was a circle.
the next part i remember was being in some kind of walgreens/cvs store on the way back from that club- i buttoned up my shirt and was really embarrassed that i had been wearing it like that. my friend said i had been bitching about not having lotion all night so we were in the walgreens so i could buy some. i picked up a magazine in the walgreens and i picked up a magazine that was kind of like this month's vanity fair (with seth rogan and all of them) but it had all these people from sex and the city and other shows and before i know it i look in the mirror and i'm charlotte from sex and the city and it's my wedding day. and i have these weird dreadlocks.
so i get my hair fixed because it's my wedding day and i keep switching off between being carrie and being charlotte and and i'm in my house (my real life house) and it's mid afternoon (i can tell from the light) and then i walk into my parent's house and carrie (i'm charlotte at this point) is sleeping with my fiance on the morning of my wedding. i suddenly have a pair of scissors in my hand so i STAB HER IN THE EYE. but like, the scissors go into the side of her eye, near her nose, the part that gets red and gunky and full of eye boogers and stuff...and her eye was just falling out of her head and all bloody and full of guts and shit. REALLY graphic stuff. but then she was fine and was telling me to get dressed and escape because the police were coming because i just stabbed someone in the eye with a pair of scissors on my wedding day. so i'm putting on this pink and black striped shirt and green leggins and running out of my house, and i get into my moms's car in the passenger seat, and carrie gets in the drivers seat, and there's this totally adorable little black toddler there, hugging me. he kind of looked like my ex's little brother, but he wasn't. and i figure out that he's my son, and he'll love me forever, and he's smiling and laughing and we're driving away and it's like 6:30 pm in early september and the sun is in that pre-sunset phase and everything is orangey-yellow and we're driving down main street towards the lake and then i woke up.
"you can fight the fire that's in your head"
really dodos?? i don't think so.
i was on some college campus somewhere with an old friend and a friend that i knew through her. and this girl holli was there. we went to this club and i was wearing a button down shirt, but it was unbuttoned and i wasn't wearing a bra so my tits were just out and all over the damn place. it was dark and the music was loud and things were really round, like the shape of the room was a circle.
the next part i remember was being in some kind of walgreens/cvs store on the way back from that club- i buttoned up my shirt and was really embarrassed that i had been wearing it like that. my friend said i had been bitching about not having lotion all night so we were in the walgreens so i could buy some. i picked up a magazine in the walgreens and i picked up a magazine that was kind of like this month's vanity fair (with seth rogan and all of them) but it had all these people from sex and the city and other shows and before i know it i look in the mirror and i'm charlotte from sex and the city and it's my wedding day. and i have these weird dreadlocks.
so i get my hair fixed because it's my wedding day and i keep switching off between being carrie and being charlotte and and i'm in my house (my real life house) and it's mid afternoon (i can tell from the light) and then i walk into my parent's house and carrie (i'm charlotte at this point) is sleeping with my fiance on the morning of my wedding. i suddenly have a pair of scissors in my hand so i STAB HER IN THE EYE. but like, the scissors go into the side of her eye, near her nose, the part that gets red and gunky and full of eye boogers and stuff...and her eye was just falling out of her head and all bloody and full of guts and shit. REALLY graphic stuff. but then she was fine and was telling me to get dressed and escape because the police were coming because i just stabbed someone in the eye with a pair of scissors on my wedding day. so i'm putting on this pink and black striped shirt and green leggins and running out of my house, and i get into my moms's car in the passenger seat, and carrie gets in the drivers seat, and there's this totally adorable little black toddler there, hugging me. he kind of looked like my ex's little brother, but he wasn't. and i figure out that he's my son, and he'll love me forever, and he's smiling and laughing and we're driving away and it's like 6:30 pm in early september and the sun is in that pre-sunset phase and everything is orangey-yellow and we're driving down main street towards the lake and then i woke up.
"you can fight the fire that's in your head"
really dodos?? i don't think so.
Wednesday, March 25
share the same space for a minute or two
conflicts:::::::'''';;;;;;;
i feel like i got really good at being single last summer. and i swore that i would just be single every summer forever until i got married, because there's always just something in the july air that makes it easier for me to flirt and fuck and kiss and drink beer while sitting on cute boys laps in backyards in north evanston, you know? and i look at all the summer dresses in the store and i get excited for the hunt and the chase and the texts and the taste of alcohol and cigs on this exciting and sensual new stranger's breath in the humid, green night air. and i get jealous of my single friends, and i want to gossip with them and talk about dick size and weird encounters in the dark and shave my legs not knowing whether or not they'll be touched or not- that's what's thrilling about shaving your legs in the first place.
but i guess i like my boyfriend a lot more than i intended to, and i guess things are getting pretty intimate, and i guess i think of him when i listen to naive melody now, and i guess i'm about to put that song on a mix for him because i want him to know how that song represents how i feel about him right now, and it's all pretty stable, and I'M not very stable, but IT'S pretty stable, all right, okay?
and i keep having these panic attacks. my dad told me that my mom thinks about suicide every day last saturday in the car, and now i'm just crying in the middle of class and throwing up when i lose my phone and getting these horrible headaches and i am constantly afraid.
so the logical thing to do would be to stick with the stable thing, because it's the only stable thing.
i feel like i got really good at being single last summer. and i swore that i would just be single every summer forever until i got married, because there's always just something in the july air that makes it easier for me to flirt and fuck and kiss and drink beer while sitting on cute boys laps in backyards in north evanston, you know? and i look at all the summer dresses in the store and i get excited for the hunt and the chase and the texts and the taste of alcohol and cigs on this exciting and sensual new stranger's breath in the humid, green night air. and i get jealous of my single friends, and i want to gossip with them and talk about dick size and weird encounters in the dark and shave my legs not knowing whether or not they'll be touched or not- that's what's thrilling about shaving your legs in the first place.
but i guess i like my boyfriend a lot more than i intended to, and i guess things are getting pretty intimate, and i guess i think of him when i listen to naive melody now, and i guess i'm about to put that song on a mix for him because i want him to know how that song represents how i feel about him right now, and it's all pretty stable, and I'M not very stable, but IT'S pretty stable, all right, okay?
and i keep having these panic attacks. my dad told me that my mom thinks about suicide every day last saturday in the car, and now i'm just crying in the middle of class and throwing up when i lose my phone and getting these horrible headaches and i am constantly afraid.
so the logical thing to do would be to stick with the stable thing, because it's the only stable thing.
Thursday, March 19
hedonistic me
SO i decided i will be more loyal to this thing. write periodically and make it worth reading and try to be a part of this silly online community.
but right now i am here to write about the three dreams i had last night, because they were vivid as hell and i want to remember them, and writing down your dreams is supposed to help you get towards lucid dreaming, which i want.
PARTI
I was at lollapalooza! It was the last night, and the main headliner was playing. It was Counting Crows, accompanied by Bob Dylan. I found a way to get to a private area near the side of the stage, so I had a really excellent view. I was able to be there because I had X's on my hands. The stage was HUGE, and the whole thing was not in Grant Park. It was in some really weird pavilion. I decided to leave where I was, which was really stupid because I had a great view. I think I was looking for someone, but I don't remember. It took me forever to find my way back to where I was. It was incredibly crowded. I couldn't reenter that private area when I got back. This totally sucked because Bono from U2 had joined Dylan and Counting Crows for their finale.
PARTII
My bedroom looked exactly like Francesca's in Highland Park. My manager and her boyfriend were there cleaning it. There was nothing in the store but clothes, and they were ALL MINE. The clothes like lined the walls. I grabbed shorts and a casual blue shirt and wore it. Then all my friends started coming over for my birthday party. They were all dressed in formal white clothes. My friend Laura had a huge black bow on her dress. I was totally under dressed and not happy about it. This girl who's in a bunch of my classes at Oakton showed up, also in white. I kept trying to change my clothes in my bedroom but just couldn't.
PARTIII.
All my friends said we had to leave for another party. It was supposed to be a "Finder Party" (this exists in real life. it's just a party at my friend Finder's parents' house.) but it was just at some weird, grungy location. There were A LOT of people from my high school there. I found out a girl that I was friends with sophmore year had died. I told this to a homeless looking man behind a counter. He was apparently a member of the Clockwork Orange punk tribute band the Adicts and was very distressed about this girl dying. He was really gray- gray clothes, gray skin, rotting teeth, etc. I started singing a Misfits song to him, something with the number 148 in it. Right at that moment, the dead girl's sister walked into the place and he ran up to her and started asking her if it was true that Becky (the dead girl) was actually dead. Her sister totally refused to talk to him, saying she didn't want to answer an questions about the situation. He totally attacked her. I totally freaked out and started running around screaming for help since he wouldn't stop physically attacking her and begging for answers about her sister's death. The guy that was voted "best looking" in our senior superlatives (in real life!) just shrugged his shoulders at me. I began to think that Laura had died too since I couldn't find her. I looked over and the girl's sister was finally giving the homeless looking punk rocker answers. The girl had died at a Finder party because she did too much coke. I talked to this girl that I was friends with/was scared of in high school and told her I was terrified of her and that's why we could never be friends. A really good friend of mine from high school started talking about how she had really let people know who she was and had really started being herself since graduation. I told her I didn't think so and that she was still totally fake and she got mad at me and laid down- her legs were REALLY hairy. Laura came in and was not dead after all.
I think in one of these dreams I had a mustache for a second but that's a very vague memory that I can't place anywhere.
I'm reading Of Love and Other Demons by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and it's really fabulous. Fiction is the best, I don't care what anyone says. What non-fiction reading can top a really great made up story? Really. Literature is for dreamers.
An ex-boyfriend continues to send me hilariously offensive facebook messages:
"hey we broke up and i found a new girl but is my dickk small?"
He does not give me hope for our country. Nothing really does.
My mom always said she didn't have many desires to visit other countries because she wanted to see all of the United States.
But why? This country is dying. My ancient history class has taught me that many great nations of people do not last long. As in a couple hundred years and they're just gone. I worry I will live to see the end of the United States, or even the end of all the nations in the world as we know them right now. It's not implausible.
but right now i am here to write about the three dreams i had last night, because they were vivid as hell and i want to remember them, and writing down your dreams is supposed to help you get towards lucid dreaming, which i want.
PARTI
I was at lollapalooza! It was the last night, and the main headliner was playing. It was Counting Crows, accompanied by Bob Dylan. I found a way to get to a private area near the side of the stage, so I had a really excellent view. I was able to be there because I had X's on my hands. The stage was HUGE, and the whole thing was not in Grant Park. It was in some really weird pavilion. I decided to leave where I was, which was really stupid because I had a great view. I think I was looking for someone, but I don't remember. It took me forever to find my way back to where I was. It was incredibly crowded. I couldn't reenter that private area when I got back. This totally sucked because Bono from U2 had joined Dylan and Counting Crows for their finale.
PARTII
My bedroom looked exactly like Francesca's in Highland Park. My manager and her boyfriend were there cleaning it. There was nothing in the store but clothes, and they were ALL MINE. The clothes like lined the walls. I grabbed shorts and a casual blue shirt and wore it. Then all my friends started coming over for my birthday party. They were all dressed in formal white clothes. My friend Laura had a huge black bow on her dress. I was totally under dressed and not happy about it. This girl who's in a bunch of my classes at Oakton showed up, also in white. I kept trying to change my clothes in my bedroom but just couldn't.
PARTIII.
All my friends said we had to leave for another party. It was supposed to be a "Finder Party" (this exists in real life. it's just a party at my friend Finder's parents' house.) but it was just at some weird, grungy location. There were A LOT of people from my high school there. I found out a girl that I was friends with sophmore year had died. I told this to a homeless looking man behind a counter. He was apparently a member of the Clockwork Orange punk tribute band the Adicts and was very distressed about this girl dying. He was really gray- gray clothes, gray skin, rotting teeth, etc. I started singing a Misfits song to him, something with the number 148 in it. Right at that moment, the dead girl's sister walked into the place and he ran up to her and started asking her if it was true that Becky (the dead girl) was actually dead. Her sister totally refused to talk to him, saying she didn't want to answer an questions about the situation. He totally attacked her. I totally freaked out and started running around screaming for help since he wouldn't stop physically attacking her and begging for answers about her sister's death. The guy that was voted "best looking" in our senior superlatives (in real life!) just shrugged his shoulders at me. I began to think that Laura had died too since I couldn't find her. I looked over and the girl's sister was finally giving the homeless looking punk rocker answers. The girl had died at a Finder party because she did too much coke. I talked to this girl that I was friends with/was scared of in high school and told her I was terrified of her and that's why we could never be friends. A really good friend of mine from high school started talking about how she had really let people know who she was and had really started being herself since graduation. I told her I didn't think so and that she was still totally fake and she got mad at me and laid down- her legs were REALLY hairy. Laura came in and was not dead after all.
I think in one of these dreams I had a mustache for a second but that's a very vague memory that I can't place anywhere.
I'm reading Of Love and Other Demons by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and it's really fabulous. Fiction is the best, I don't care what anyone says. What non-fiction reading can top a really great made up story? Really. Literature is for dreamers.
An ex-boyfriend continues to send me hilariously offensive facebook messages:
"hey we broke up and i found a new girl but is my dickk small?"
He does not give me hope for our country. Nothing really does.
My mom always said she didn't have many desires to visit other countries because she wanted to see all of the United States.
But why? This country is dying. My ancient history class has taught me that many great nations of people do not last long. As in a couple hundred years and they're just gone. I worry I will live to see the end of the United States, or even the end of all the nations in the world as we know them right now. It's not implausible.
Friday, February 27
Thursday, February 12
so stupid so sorry that i called you a whore
i had a dream last night that i talked to tim gunn about how badly i wanted the shirt that says "heidi&micheal&nina&tim"
fifty hours got cut from our work week! which i guess i should be happy about since i was complaining so much, but it actually just made me really scared of the future.
fifty hours got cut from our work week! which i guess i should be happy about since i was complaining so much, but it actually just made me really scared of the future.
Wednesday, January 21
faster vaginacat! murder! murder!
i'm generally very unhappy, but i think it's just january. but it's always hard to remember that it's january and not me.
i wrote a paper about how Shakespeare was trying to warn us of our own power (that is the power that humans have to destroy each other and everything around them) in othello. about how this jealousy and this desire for power can lead to everything around you just being totally obliterated.
i just think if anyone violates that ceasefire it's going to be world war three. that's what i think.
yep!!pey
i wrote a paper about how Shakespeare was trying to warn us of our own power (that is the power that humans have to destroy each other and everything around them) in othello. about how this jealousy and this desire for power can lead to everything around you just being totally obliterated.
i just think if anyone violates that ceasefire it's going to be world war three. that's what i think.
yep!!pey
Tuesday, January 6
hey cut it out!
hey man, not that i don't stand with israel or whatever,
but come on.
"Israeli mortar fire on Tuesday hit near a United Nations school in Gaza, killing dozens of civilians who had apparently taken shelter there, officials said."
-npr.org, tuesday, january 6th.
Thursday, December 4
and when i finally kissed him the whole world began to ring
I'm taking five classes next semester. Logic, Intro to Earth Science, Anthro202, Comp102, and History of the Ancient World (because I like the professor, he's teaching me the conservative view of USA history since 1877 right now). Large load, I know. The bogus part is I have four of those classes on the same day, and one of them on Monday and Wednesday evenings. I just have to keep reminding myself what a good deal OCC is (money wise) and how working Mondays and Wednesdays and then traveling back to Skokie to learn about the earth and its sciences will be worth it come August. I'm constantly looking for apartments in Rogers Park and stuff. It's an exciting time. I'm getting my shit together. Really.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I was at a party and a friend of mine sang a line from a Wolf Parade song and I finished it and I realized that this obsession with rock music is really, really nerdy, and that I am also a nerd. But that's okay, I guess. Better to be a music nerd than an anime nerd, that's what I was always told.
I am so bored with basically all the music I listen to. The only music that's really been interesting me lately is old Neutral Milk Hotel, AKA everything that is not "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea". Not that I don't still think that "Aeroplane" is one of the best things ever recorded in the history of humans (please don't think that!)- I just think "On Avery Island" and the other random collection of stuff I have is endearing and LoFi-ish. I love how some of the tracks sound kind of messy, like a lot of the instrumental parts are full of sonic noise. And there's nothing I love more than some good sonic noise (with the exception of that ten minute long Wilco song). I'm still kicking myself for not seeing Jeff Magnum when he came to Chicago with the Elephant 6 tour. See? NERD. I check Pitchfork like four times a day, I swear.
Things I am looking forward to:
snoking a blowl with Alec in like 30 minutes
Jeff Tweedy and the Breeders at second city on Tuesday?? Maybe I can meet Jeff Tweedy and Kim Deal in one night. Talk about two birds with one stone.
winter break!
mucca pazza
making the pumpkin spice bread that I "stole" from William Sonoma.
I'm so excited to collect some stories. Yes, this storytelling thing is only a possibility for the ensemble's season, but all talk about stories made me realize how many good ones I've heard and how badly they need to be documented.
So get ready.
OHOHOH I FORGOT.
I saw an advanced screening of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" last night. Watch the fuck out for this movie, because it's going to be nominated for about a billion Oscars come spring. And I can honestly say it deserves to win all of them. This was one of the most moving and beautiful films I have ever seen in my entire life. I want everyone I know to see it. I had to leave the theater immediately when the credits began to role because I was crying so much. Wow wow wow. If you read this and you're going to see me this December you'd better believe we are going to see this movie.
This kid from my high school hung himself. He was in my spanish class junior year. He talked to me a lot and always had scars on his arms. Really eerie stuff.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I was at a party and a friend of mine sang a line from a Wolf Parade song and I finished it and I realized that this obsession with rock music is really, really nerdy, and that I am also a nerd. But that's okay, I guess. Better to be a music nerd than an anime nerd, that's what I was always told.
I am so bored with basically all the music I listen to. The only music that's really been interesting me lately is old Neutral Milk Hotel, AKA everything that is not "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea". Not that I don't still think that "Aeroplane" is one of the best things ever recorded in the history of humans (please don't think that!)- I just think "On Avery Island" and the other random collection of stuff I have is endearing and LoFi-ish. I love how some of the tracks sound kind of messy, like a lot of the instrumental parts are full of sonic noise. And there's nothing I love more than some good sonic noise (with the exception of that ten minute long Wilco song). I'm still kicking myself for not seeing Jeff Magnum when he came to Chicago with the Elephant 6 tour. See? NERD. I check Pitchfork like four times a day, I swear.
Things I am looking forward to:
snoking a blowl with Alec in like 30 minutes
Jeff Tweedy and the Breeders at second city on Tuesday?? Maybe I can meet Jeff Tweedy and Kim Deal in one night. Talk about two birds with one stone.
winter break!
mucca pazza
making the pumpkin spice bread that I "stole" from William Sonoma.
I'm so excited to collect some stories. Yes, this storytelling thing is only a possibility for the ensemble's season, but all talk about stories made me realize how many good ones I've heard and how badly they need to be documented.
So get ready.
OHOHOH I FORGOT.
I saw an advanced screening of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" last night. Watch the fuck out for this movie, because it's going to be nominated for about a billion Oscars come spring. And I can honestly say it deserves to win all of them. This was one of the most moving and beautiful films I have ever seen in my entire life. I want everyone I know to see it. I had to leave the theater immediately when the credits began to role because I was crying so much. Wow wow wow. If you read this and you're going to see me this December you'd better believe we are going to see this movie.
This kid from my high school hung himself. He was in my spanish class junior year. He talked to me a lot and always had scars on his arms. Really eerie stuff.
Thursday, November 13
you pms like a bitch, i would know...CALIFORNIA
Let's talk about gay marriage, okay?
Come on California, really? I thought you were the land of eucolyptus scented air, free love, trolleys and revolution. I guess I thought wrong.
Of course I am for gay marriage. Of course I am. I believe this is a civil rights issue, a moral issue, and a huge sign of how ignorant the public is. I believe the reason Prop8 passed is because people don't understand exactly what gay marriage entails and what it does not.
What it does entail:
1. the ability to own joint property as a couple. owning a home together, owning a golf cart together, owning a dog together- whatever. that doesn't sound that harmful, does it?
2. certain rights in case of emergency/hospitalization. this is the big one in my opinon. I've been reading a lot about this issue and there are a lot of horror stories...If you are not someones family or SPOUSE (LEGALLY) you cannot stay with them in the hospital. I read about a man who wanted to stay with his partner of twenty five years in the hospital overnight after a near fatal heart attack. Not only could he not stay, or make any important choices over his partner's well being while in the hospital because of non-spouse status, but his partner's family, who were adimently anti-gay, were able to ban him from visiting all together. horrible stuff. legalizing the marriage would also allow for sick leave if ones spouse was ill.
3. bereavment leave. choice as to where one's partner would be burried upon death.
4. filing for joint bankruptcy!
5. insurance breaks!
6. other groundshaking moral atrocites, such as tax breaks and prison visits.
7. a huge step forward for this nation.
What gay marriage does not entail:
1. the apocolypse.
And yes, I could not be more thrilled about President Elect Obama (doesn't it feel good to say that outloud?) but I can't help but still feel outraged at the enormous injustice that is happening in regards to our homosexual sisters and brothers.
ALSO!
I've been having the weirdest fucking dreams. I dreampt I bit of a huge chunk of an exboyfriend's neck and then he was actually Dorian Gray.
Muzack:
Clam, Cockle, Cowrie- Joanna Newsom
Here's the Thing- Girl Talk
Excuse Me Mr.-No Doubt (old school. like seventh grade old school.)
Come on California, really? I thought you were the land of eucolyptus scented air, free love, trolleys and revolution. I guess I thought wrong.
Of course I am for gay marriage. Of course I am. I believe this is a civil rights issue, a moral issue, and a huge sign of how ignorant the public is. I believe the reason Prop8 passed is because people don't understand exactly what gay marriage entails and what it does not.
What it does entail:
1. the ability to own joint property as a couple. owning a home together, owning a golf cart together, owning a dog together- whatever. that doesn't sound that harmful, does it?
2. certain rights in case of emergency/hospitalization. this is the big one in my opinon. I've been reading a lot about this issue and there are a lot of horror stories...If you are not someones family or SPOUSE (LEGALLY) you cannot stay with them in the hospital. I read about a man who wanted to stay with his partner of twenty five years in the hospital overnight after a near fatal heart attack. Not only could he not stay, or make any important choices over his partner's well being while in the hospital because of non-spouse status, but his partner's family, who were adimently anti-gay, were able to ban him from visiting all together. horrible stuff. legalizing the marriage would also allow for sick leave if ones spouse was ill.
3. bereavment leave. choice as to where one's partner would be burried upon death.
4. filing for joint bankruptcy!
5. insurance breaks!
6. other groundshaking moral atrocites, such as tax breaks and prison visits.
7. a huge step forward for this nation.
What gay marriage does not entail:
1. the apocolypse.
And yes, I could not be more thrilled about President Elect Obama (doesn't it feel good to say that outloud?) but I can't help but still feel outraged at the enormous injustice that is happening in regards to our homosexual sisters and brothers.
ALSO!
I've been having the weirdest fucking dreams. I dreampt I bit of a huge chunk of an exboyfriend's neck and then he was actually Dorian Gray.
Muzack:
Clam, Cockle, Cowrie- Joanna Newsom
Here's the Thing- Girl Talk
Excuse Me Mr.-No Doubt (old school. like seventh grade old school.)
Saturday, October 11
in my head, there's a city at night
order, order
agenda:
a. wolf parade. excellent band! certainly not a silly internet buzz band, certainly not. their new record "at mount zoomer" is just as brimming with raw emotion (open to your own interpretation) and catchy keyboard melodies as "apologies to the queen mary". spencer krug is quite a guy. highly recommended, five stars out of fives. high fives all around, wolf parade.
b. there are a lot of things stressing me out. a lot. for those of you that don't know (and read this, which is basically no one, so what am i doing), my mom tried to kill herself last weekend. she only stayed in the hospital for three days. this is because neither her or my dad's health care would cover an extended stay in the psych ward. they work every single day and pay copious amounts of cash to make sure that in case of a tragedy or emergency (such as this one) they will be taken care of. well, no. that's not actually the case. they pay rising premiums to not get covered. because of this, because the middle class is getting royally fucked in the anus as far as health care is concerned, my mom is here. she's asleep in the room next to me, deathly ill (yes, it's a disease) and extremely dangerous to herself. she's dying in there, and it's painful to watch. this brings me to point
c. the election is number two in the top five things that are stressing me out right now list. for those of you that have chosen to look at the state of things objectively, for those of you who have chosen to play devils advocate because obama endorsement is a popular position amongst your peers, for those of you that are voting for mccain because you are a republican...you do not understand how close to home everything is hitting. the outcome of this election WILL directly effect you. the economy is...well, as the daily show so aptly put it, a "clusterfuck to the poor house". health care is obviously fucked. billions of dollars a month are being spent on an unjustified war. my right to choice in regards to my body is dangerously close to being stripped away (i have had two pregnancy scares this summer). oh, and according to America's favorite maverick, oral contraceptives for females should not be covered by health care but viagra should. in this case, the popular belief is the right one. obama is obviously the right candidate for the job...and yet, our country seems to be in love with a maverick and his adorable (FRIGHTENING) hockey mom ho. there is a chance these two will be the most powerful two people in the free world. he refers to you as his friend when he does not know you and her favorite movies include "hoosiers" and "rudy". i know it's popular to say that you're going to move if mccain gets elected...but i honestly don't know if i could stay here if that happened.
d. i have realized i hate beer. two sips of keystone light and i felt like i was going to vomit. really, i don't want to party at all. i just want to go to bed. my ideal man does not like beer pong, theme parties that only involve half naked girls and nights centered only around the idea of getting laid. my ideal man just likes to go to bed, just like i do. i want a man i can fall asleep with at 10:56 on a saturday night.
e. number three on the stress list is work. yeah. i pretty much hate my job. but i would be a fool to quit it. BECAUSE WE ARE IN A CLUSTERFUCK TO THE POOR HOUSE.
f. dr.wax records in evanston is shutting down. 50% off sale. yeah, that rules for me. but i feel it's the beginning of the death of the local record and book store. scary shit. considering i have also realized my dream job is just to work in a record store and do nude modeling for art classes on the side.
g. my new religion is science. i believe in science and i believe in the destructive power of man.
h. review of fleet foxes concert coming soon.
i. am going through this thing totally alone. it's hard and i can't say that i'm soldiering through it because i'm actually failing miserably at it.
j. too many cigarettes! but oh man, do them camel number nines take the edge off.
This place here is no friend of mine
What is passed, we'll just leave it behind
And what you know could only mean one thing
And what you know could only mean one thing
Rooted to the place that you spring from
agenda:
a. wolf parade. excellent band! certainly not a silly internet buzz band, certainly not. their new record "at mount zoomer" is just as brimming with raw emotion (open to your own interpretation) and catchy keyboard melodies as "apologies to the queen mary". spencer krug is quite a guy. highly recommended, five stars out of fives. high fives all around, wolf parade.
b. there are a lot of things stressing me out. a lot. for those of you that don't know (and read this, which is basically no one, so what am i doing), my mom tried to kill herself last weekend. she only stayed in the hospital for three days. this is because neither her or my dad's health care would cover an extended stay in the psych ward. they work every single day and pay copious amounts of cash to make sure that in case of a tragedy or emergency (such as this one) they will be taken care of. well, no. that's not actually the case. they pay rising premiums to not get covered. because of this, because the middle class is getting royally fucked in the anus as far as health care is concerned, my mom is here. she's asleep in the room next to me, deathly ill (yes, it's a disease) and extremely dangerous to herself. she's dying in there, and it's painful to watch. this brings me to point
c. the election is number two in the top five things that are stressing me out right now list. for those of you that have chosen to look at the state of things objectively, for those of you who have chosen to play devils advocate because obama endorsement is a popular position amongst your peers, for those of you that are voting for mccain because you are a republican...you do not understand how close to home everything is hitting. the outcome of this election WILL directly effect you. the economy is...well, as the daily show so aptly put it, a "clusterfuck to the poor house". health care is obviously fucked. billions of dollars a month are being spent on an unjustified war. my right to choice in regards to my body is dangerously close to being stripped away (i have had two pregnancy scares this summer). oh, and according to America's favorite maverick, oral contraceptives for females should not be covered by health care but viagra should. in this case, the popular belief is the right one. obama is obviously the right candidate for the job...and yet, our country seems to be in love with a maverick and his adorable (FRIGHTENING) hockey mom ho. there is a chance these two will be the most powerful two people in the free world. he refers to you as his friend when he does not know you and her favorite movies include "hoosiers" and "rudy". i know it's popular to say that you're going to move if mccain gets elected...but i honestly don't know if i could stay here if that happened.
d. i have realized i hate beer. two sips of keystone light and i felt like i was going to vomit. really, i don't want to party at all. i just want to go to bed. my ideal man does not like beer pong, theme parties that only involve half naked girls and nights centered only around the idea of getting laid. my ideal man just likes to go to bed, just like i do. i want a man i can fall asleep with at 10:56 on a saturday night.
e. number three on the stress list is work. yeah. i pretty much hate my job. but i would be a fool to quit it. BECAUSE WE ARE IN A CLUSTERFUCK TO THE POOR HOUSE.
f. dr.wax records in evanston is shutting down. 50% off sale. yeah, that rules for me. but i feel it's the beginning of the death of the local record and book store. scary shit. considering i have also realized my dream job is just to work in a record store and do nude modeling for art classes on the side.
g. my new religion is science. i believe in science and i believe in the destructive power of man.
h. review of fleet foxes concert coming soon.
i. am going through this thing totally alone. it's hard and i can't say that i'm soldiering through it because i'm actually failing miserably at it.
j. too many cigarettes! but oh man, do them camel number nines take the edge off.
This place here is no friend of mine
What is passed, we'll just leave it behind
And what you know could only mean one thing
And what you know could only mean one thing
Rooted to the place that you spring from
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