i feel like i got really good at being single last summer. and i swore that i would just be single every summer forever until i got married, because there's always just something in the july air that makes it easier for me to flirt and fuck and kiss and drink beer while sitting on cute boys laps in backyards in north evanston, you know? and i look at all the summer dresses in the store and i get excited for the hunt and the chase and the texts and the taste of alcohol and cigs on this exciting and sensual new stranger's breath in the humid, green night air. and i get jealous of my single friends, and i want to gossip with them and talk about dick size and weird encounters in the dark and shave my legs not knowing whether or not they'll be touched or not- that's what's thrilling about shaving your legs in the first place.
but i guess i like my boyfriend a lot more than i intended to, and i guess things are getting pretty intimate, and i guess i think of him when i listen to naive melody now, and i guess i'm about to put that song on a mix for him because i want him to know how that song represents how i feel about him right now, and it's all pretty stable, and I'M not very stable, but IT'S pretty stable, all right, okay?
and i keep having these panic attacks. my dad told me that my mom thinks about suicide every day last saturday in the car, and now i'm just crying in the middle of class and throwing up when i lose my phone and getting these horrible headaches and i am constantly afraid.
so the logical thing to do would be to stick with the stable thing, because it's the only stable thing.
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