dedicated follower of fashion.

things have been going pretty well. i've got two weeks left of school starting today, which is bittersweet in every sense of the word. nathan is leaving, but all the rest of my friemly (i'm trying to combine friend and family there, since my friends are more like family, self explanitory, yeah.) is coming back. i'm hoping for a healthy and active summer. my priorities are getting a job, visiting texas and going to lollapalooza, but maybe squeezing in some bike riding, camping, hiking, arts/crafts, tanning, many sober nights with those i haven't seen in a long time, stabilizing, visiting indiana, maybe kansas, READING FOR THE LOVE OF PETE (i haven't finished a book in forever and i'm ashamed of myself...also i meant the phrase "for the love of pete", there is no book called "for the love of pete" but i could be wrong, i guess i'd read that book), trying to delete "hey girl hey" and "omg" from my vocabulary, building a stronger vocabulary, writing, smoking pot outside, but not smoking too much pot, etc. maybe i'll make out with some boys on accident, but i'd really rather not.

oh and i'm applying to a million colleges too. my parents are on the illinois state school side of things, but i'm feeling some of these schools way too much. i don't want to sell myself short- i believe i am capable of attending a private college where i will be challenged. i believe i will struggle but i also believe i will be able to handle it. i have this intense hunger for learning. i want to learn everything.

it's very rough to be in love. but also really beautiful. i keep thinking how unfair this all is, but then i remember that there are people who haven't experienced this kind of emotional intimacy at all. i'm actually very lucky. even if i never see him again, i'll know i was loved (for real) and treated the way that i deserve to be treated. i can honestly say i was in a healthy, normal, wonderful, magical, trusting, genuine relationship. it wasn't perfect, but that's what made it so perfect.
we took a shower together last night.

my soundtrack has been the kinks, radiohead, the awkward stage (check them out!), weezer (pinkerton and blue, but also green. i guess i'm just not an actual weezer fan since i like green? real weezer fans only like pinkerton and blue. i hate unwritten fan rules. bogus.)

it's been BEAUTIFUL outside. everything is blooming. i think i'm not as excited about it as usual because subconciously i feel as though i deserve beautiful weather because i lived through the horrendous winter of '08. so it's like i'm finally getting my paycheck or something. it's about damn time.

i'm really looking forward to seeing the friemly (maybe this combo word isn't a good idea) but i'm also really nervous. so many people have gone through drastic changes, some for the better, but mostly for the worse, and i feel like things are going to spiral out of control. what exactly is rock bottom and how long will it take people to hit it? i want to help but i don't know how. like, it's my job to help, we're friemly, but i don't know how and people don't necessarily want it even though they need it. in middle school, they tell you to go tell a trusted adult if your friends are in trouble. i missed my chance to to that- we are the adults now. we are the adults making our own choices and fucking things up. complicated shit.

i can't wait for it to be close to 100 degrees so i can walk into my air conditioned house from the outside. best summer feeling that there is, hands down.



ignore this part, this is for personal reference:
(finish) still life with woodpecker
(finish) jiggerbug perfume
another roadside attraction
skinny legs and all
the book of laughter and forgetting- kundera
the rules of attraction
american psycho
the electric kool-aid acid test
on the road
the virgin suicides
dreaming in cuban
no one belongs here more than you: stories
100 years of solitude
life of pi
Palahniuk...all
(reread) the book of embraces
days and nights of love and war
memory of fire
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius- eggers
one flew over the cuckoos nest
slaughterhouse five
breakfast of champions
catch 22


does that sound enough for one summer? suggestions?
it's just like, they've all been on my list forever and i always skip over them because they've been on my list forever. but i'm reading them this summer so i can start a new damn list.